I would totally go to the hospital if...

I didn't have to go to the ER where they are dangerously ignorant when it comes to handling psych patients and didn't have a good chance of winding up in the state hospital where the only "treatment" is from other patients being supportive in surviving the hospitalization of doors slamming (big trauma trigger), 24/7 fluorescent lights (not being able to sleep because I'm not allowed to turn the light off (and because the only way to shut the doors is to slam them) is another not good thing for me), a food situation that only made my eating disorder (why they told me I was there--I don't have bipolar, maybe not even BPD, just an eating disorder and I'm "hangry") worse, being terrified of certain staff because of their degrading language and threatening gestures and when absolutely losing my sht because I didn't sleep for four straight nights (nothing in day time either!) and one of those night staff called me a dumbass for how this extreme anxiety and the sleep deprivation was presenting (keeping in mind this was after months of sleeping as little as 5 hours a week, never more than 30 and those were weeks where illegal substances aided so, no, I couldn't handle being awake 100 hours straight anymore), being placed in seclusion (and withheld meals for 36 hours), where if I hadn't known to play the game I could've ended up getting IM'd in my glute in my sleep like my roommate.

So, yeah, if I'm white knuckling things a little too long and trying to convince myself I can handle another day when I clearly fking can't, it's because "a higher level of care" is 90% going to necessitate like two more mental health appointments a week.

If there's a reason I'm not being super assertive in trying to explain "no plan/no intent=/=safety" because, of days like yesterday when at 4:30 I was telling my PCP with total honesty I had no intentions or plans of hurting myself (and to a provider that implies safety) but by 8pm I was on my third period pad absorbing blood from self injury (not like I use them as intended as I go on ten months without a period) and they're bigger than the not nearly big enough squares of gauze) because a flip had switched and I was weary of fighting myself on this. I was weary of calling my team's emergency line and them telling me to do things beyond my capacity and weary of trying other hotlines and only ending up worse off,
yeah the reason is because honesty will be punished with being trapped, controlled, and being told I'm bad. Bad bad bad. I know I'm bad. I don't need nurses and security guards reinforcing it.