Bipolar Check-in #103

I got an interesting email from a parent today. What's annoying is they didn't go straight to me-they also cc'd my boss in the email. Whatever their kid told them is only partially true. And, they are clearly reading the grade book wrong. I'll deal with it on Monday since they sent the email after school hours and since the work they are referencing is at school.

I was supposed to have my study group, but only half of us could attend so that didn't happen. I have to decide if I want to continue with the next study. It's nice seeing people, but I don't like the study format.

I'm worried about what my mental health will do this weekend with so much down time. I do need to do some grading, but it's really hard for me to focus on it lately-I'm SO far behind and the school year is almost over. Maybe, I'll go to Starbucks and work on it since I have a gift card. That would get me out of my apartment too.

I take magnesium oxide, and it does have a laxative effect if you take too much (first hand knowledge). I did take magnesium glycinate in the past for something (can't remember why?) and I think that was less likely to have a laxative effect, but even it if you take too much supposedly has a laxative effect.

Last night I made Kraft deluxe Mac and cheese in my microwave pasta maker. Today I made a grilled cheese on sourdough bread with my sandwich maker. I’m glad I’m figuring out ways to cook without spiking my anxiety.
I don really feel good right now. My blood pressure is fine so I’m not worrying.

I’m trying not to worry about anything and I controlled my anxiety and my moods were fine.

I took some Tylenol and my knee paijn went away. I’m trying not to get in and out of bed so much.

But I’m doing fine today.

Been a busy few days - I have done over 10,000 steps two days in a row and that is HUGE for me. Saw my manager from the radio station at Aldi when I was grocery shopping with my friend and her baby, and I introduced them and they were totally cracking up at the flatulence article that I read on the air - my friend said she was laughing for like 24 hours lol.

She convinced me to go to the mall and bought me the "Catholicism for Dummies" for $5, which was a huge joke because I have been laughing at the book for MONTHS because it hadn't moved from the bookstore. Now I have it! LOL. We also took a detour to a church friend's fancy boutique, which she stocked with TONS of fascinators for our Ladies' Derby party at my godmother's house at the end of the month. I will be going to my first fancy hat party! I am so excited, I have the perfect dress.

The real win was stopping by Bath and Body Works - my friend needed to find a particular scent for someone's mom, and I totally cashed out on FOUR hydrating lotions that are usually $14 each for $5 each! What a steal!

Today has been mostly quiet. I cried AGAIN with my trainer, because my damn body refuses to move - I am especially onery because I am on my cycle, and I am literally bawling tears like every 20 minutes. As if perimenopause wasn't bad enough, now I am just an emotional trainwreck.

But I did go to the grocery store and took a nice walk to the Hallmark store. I love the Hallmark store SO much. I bought my other friend a devotional book and a nice card for when I visit her tomorrow, that's going to be a long drive. And then I got myself some nice Mother's Day flowers, - I would totally get my mom some, but she insists they are a waste of money, lol.

Beautiful day. Only partly sunny but nice. I’m down to one box of chai, I really need to get to Walmart, but keep putting it off. I did go out though. I was hungry and ordered Culver’s single with sm fries. But I had to go pick it up. It’s more than my food order to get it delivered. So I did get out today. Actually it’s been very nice all week. I’m procrastinating on everything. Even reading. I’ve got 50 pages in one book and about 100 in another and about 125 in the third book. Mostly I just go downstairs and play games then watch tv. I’ve so much laundry to do, but it’s such a pain here to drag it down the elevator then up the elevator.

I don’t think I’m depressed I still have an appetite but I think I’m on the low side from dropping the lower mg of my AP due to cost. I couldn’t believe how high my cc was and when I looked at the statement it was mostly co pays for the clinic and Walgreens for the copay of meds. This on top of the monthly costs!

I watched more "OZARK" today. It was good company. My dog wasn't feeling well but she perked up after the park. I had some brief SI thinking about how miserable my life has been. But i'll be sixty this year and since i'm neglecting my health hopefully there is not too long to go before my natural death. Early deaths run in my family.

Omg tomorrow is not gonna be pretty. I don’t know

Had a good day. Had the brunch, then painted with a friend then played Minecraft with another friend.

It’s day 17 of Strattera and I seem to be tolerating it well. My ability to focus and task initiation are improving and impulse control (overspending) is improving. Hopefully things get better and better over time. It’s at 3-6 weeks that it hits the peak results. So I’m interested to see how things go over the next week or so.

All in all I’m happy with the meds I’m on. Things are moving in a positive direction with the Strattera in terms of focus and executive functioning , and my manic/depressive and psychotic symptoms have been fully under control with my other meds. Abilify, Thorazine and Lamictal. Also my dissociation has been practically non existent for 3 months along with the panic attacks too.

Feeling grateful.

It’s midnight I’m not sure when I’m going to bed. I hope by 1 or 2 at the absolute latest. Don’t want the day to end. Just listening to music now.

Hugs to everyone struggling

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Had an acceptable day. Swimming felt a bit long but the mall was good. Boy did my legs hurt walking around the mall. When I’m finished this cup of tea I’m going to put my feet up. Tried to sleep earlier but every minute all I heard was “Mom!”

I haven’t been “anxious since starting the antibiotic” I been freaking out since

I mean that didn’t immediately come to mind but have gone through so many mindfks over the past two weeks and I literally have no trust in myself and every single thing I do is a no-win scenario. What I mean is these kinds of mental gymnastics where:

I need groceries so if I don’t get them I starve
I want to get eggs, but if I walk home I will probably have to run across the road because people don’t know what red lights and stop signs are or get hit by a car and in either case the eggs will likely get jostled too much and break.
I could get a ride back but also people themselves can’t fking drive so that way there is also a good chance they break.
If the eggs break that’s wasted money and a huge mess
I could just not get eggs but then I went grocery shopping without getting all the food I need and then it’ll feel like a waste or I have to go again and I don’t want to fking step foot in a grocery store more often than I have to right now.
(Can I accept any of these premises are wrong or risk it anyway? Not really. But I sure as hell can repeat the thoughts over and over and over until there seems to be a new door appear that I have not shut and have no reason to shut but we all know I would probably go through the same gymnastics to shut that one right now too)
So what do I end up doing?
-No eggs, no groceries at all, but I was fine riding my bike to the liquor store and bringing a glass bottle home after I had a little to settle these obsessive neverending loops for a second.
Ughhhhhhhhhh

I made what I call a “Regulation Journal” basically daily I have different sections labeled that I fill out.

The sections I have are
.Sleep: hours slept, quality of sleep, energy levels after waking

.Anxiety and Dissociation: Write whether I experienced any of both or either during day and what may have triggered it.

-Binge eating/Overspending impulses:

-Meditcation notes: for example right now I’m adjusting to a new med so I write down how I’m feeling with that and if I’m having any side effects. And I also take not of whether or not I take a PRN during the day and why.

-Comforting Routine: this is just listing ideas for my comforting morning and evening routines based on how much energy I have during the day

-Small Accomplishments for the day:

-Things that helped me regulate today:

-Mood:

-Ability to focus:

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I slept 15 hours! Cat did too. Caleb is mad at me. Didn’t answer my text. I am losing weight despite eating cheese bread and fried fish yesterday- basically two dinners at once!

I slept from 9-7:30. I was up a couple times for a few minutes. With the same dream. I also went and got a few Lucky Charms pillsbury cookies. I was going to get lunch for my mom for Mother’s Day but I’m not sure she is up to it. She really needs to get off her Monjauro. She is sleeping and getting sick all the time. Of course she isn’t listening to me I’m doing fine on my Wegovy. It has improved my mental health a lot. My depression and anxiety and moods.

Not sure what I’ll do today. It’s going to be crowded out and I don’t need anything really.

Checking in. Stable, nothing new to report.

I may have verbally abused the on-call people this past week and now I have an in-person meeting with my case manager’s fill in right now.

Took a shower and am in all clean clothes! Hanging out with Ariel.

I painted today. Still working on clouds. It's tough! Maybe consider this one abstract!

I like it blueberry.

Hope everyone is doing well.

I had to take Ariel to the emergency vet yesterday. She had opened the closet doors and had gotten into the trash and there were chicken bones on the floor!

Well after 2 hours at the vet ER, they did a thorough exam with x-rays. No chicken bones inside! The rest of her exam was unremarkable. 5-year-old healthy spayed female cat. Only $385! Got 6 months to pay it off without interest on my care credit card.

So today, Ariel and I are listening to the Bach CDs my penpal got me with the Amazon gift card. Very nice! Oh! Watch out for fake Amazon sites. Apparently, there are a lot of fake, spam, with malware in the links in the emails purportedly from Amazon. Never click links in emails from ANYone!

Caleb is mad at me. Maybe he'll get over it. He's having a weekend with a friend of his- some guy in Indiana?

My doctors are split as to whether or not I should continue with Wegovy. And MiraLAX for that matter. Waiting to have a video visit with my liver doctor who is the one who put me on Wegovy. But another dr - the rude one from a week ago- said to stop it because my stomach X-ray showed "debris and old food"! My primary doctor said to continue it.

I also think I'll switch back to my old pharmacy. They're not open now- Monday- but they have their shi* together and the new pharmacy acts like customers are a bother! I still will have to get Ingrezza from them. They said something like the old pharmacy won't give them my prescriptions- all of them! Hahaha..,,! Too funny. I'll go there - to the old pharmacy- Monday and switch back. The new one wants to mail my scripts to my mom's house! Or my place. I like going in and picking up my scripts. And talking with people face-to-face without them acting like it's a huge bother to open the closed window.

I slept 15 hours last night! Wow! I guess yesterday was stressful and I did get "pizza" for lunch. I do that maybe once or twice a year.

Anyway, I hope you all are having a good weekend. I go to the OBGYN Monday. Finally! I want to talk about my adenomyosis and estrogen and progesterone patches for after I hit menopause. September will be 12 consecutive months without a period! Of course, I could still get a period between now and then. We shall see.

I had a bad day yesterday. I felt miserable. So far I think today is better. I’m keeping caffeine and nicotine gum at a minimum.

This morning I went out to get scripts and got my wife a Mother’s Day card. The grocery order came when I got back. Real milk instead of that nasty powdered creamer for coffee.

Stepdaughter went to lunch with fiancée and his family. Then they’re back here for the day.

I hope that I can self regulate my emotions today. I couldn’t yesterday and it was miserable.

I slept better last night and feel more refreshed today. Trying to remain calm and positive.

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I agree with real creamer instead of the powdered stuff! I also caught up on my sleep last night. Listening to my new CD. That helps regulate my emotions! Nobody is around this afternoon.

I did it, went to Walmart and got my tea. Was a breeze. Snagged a close parking spot, they had two rows of my chai concentrate so I was able to get 8 boxes, at 4 servings a box that will last me awhile and I won’t have to go back for a while.

Returned my books to the library and nabbed one I wanted from the shelf. Thanks to blueberry I’ve got a good book to read while I wait for my holds to come though.

Almost noon, I need to get my breakfast.

It’s Mother’s Day here. Got some gorgeous gifts from my son. Very spoiled!