What life is really about

Hi @Sohappy It sounds like things are incredibly heavy and exhausting for you right now. Reading your words, it makes complete sense that you feel drained. Constantly putting on a mask and pretending everything is ok just to get through the day is an enormous burden. Balancing the professional need to keep a job with the deeply human desire to be open about your struggles is a massive, stressful weight to carry. I wish I had a perfect answer for you. For myself, I have to keep my work life completely separate from my personal life and my true self just to survive -- it is what works for me. I often post and listen here without expecting a perfect solution, but I am always incredibly grateful for this community. It helps to know none of us are truly alone in this.

Maybe tried doing something outward facing? forget support groups, volunteer somewhere where it makes sense to you. If you have time on the weekends, that is.

I think the part of the quote in black text pretty much fits your title. Not hurting other people and possibly even helping if you're able seems like a good philosophy of life as it should be. I think I understand what you're saying and agree that you're in a tough position but it may not be as bad as it looks.
I'm not sure I could form a positive/supportive response to the majority of your post. I just don't think I can agree with blanket generalities like that. I'm sure our respective situations aren't similar but I don't really have a life compared to five years ago.
I don't feel obligated to entertain anyone or pretend to be happy. I don't expect you to entertain or amuse me and I don't expect you to pretend to be happy or construct a facade that hides your real state of mind. I don't believe most people would. Those people who do have those expectations should probably be avoided as much as possible. I do understand your desire to avoid letting your unhappiness interfere with keeping your job. If I'm misinterpreting anything please feel free to correct me.

Perhaps I am over generalizing. I am introspective a lot and I realized some of reasons why people ignore me because I am too serious, I am not fun etc. And why does it matter? I don't want to be alone. I don't want to be a hermit forever.

I know time is limited and I want to be the best person wherever I am. I don't want to miss out chances to experiencing the best life possible because it can be over and i didn't have much chances in my life.

I regret being sheltered, quiet, sensitive etc.

I don't want to live with regrets at not finding love and friendship.

I agree with this idea of outward facing. I get to do a-lot of this at work: I go above and beyond to serve my patients which is (my job) and to serve my co-workers which is (voluntary) and when I get home exhausted I feel good about it. Mind you, I work with a bunch of petty back-biting bullies but something about rising above them and their pettiness brings me a great deal of joy and satisfaction. I enjoy the fact that they hate it. I know, it's a little warped but in a good way.

That is my life experience. I see this with my sister. She is a major entertainer but also 50% liar. Doesn't matter... everyone loves her because she "entertains them".

I am a good entertainer sometimes but it often backfires because people think that is how I am all the time... and I can't keep the act up.

I have done all the self help books but ultimately they don't work because I don't value having others in my life enough.

Good point about self help. It only works to the point. I think we are who we are. What’s the chance of me becoming someone else at 60? I am not that interested in massive entertainments. I used to do big gatherings because that’s what one is supposed to do. But deep inside I just don’t care enough.

I have these distant relatives who aren’t even blood relatives, long story who they are, but they constantly have massive gatherings. They do entertain well but they are deeply unpleasant self absorbed and pompous people in many ways. But if one doesn’t know them well enough, they’d think they are so wonderful. So fun.