Who Am I?

I feel really stressed tonight. I’ve had a lot of sleeping issues lately, and my psych just put me on trazodone. We’ll see how well it works. The new job is great, but I’m still adjusting to having a rotating schedule with different hours depending on the day. Also, I am still in training, so I am learning a shitload and my brain hurts after I finish each shift lol.

Also, my imposter syndrome is screwing with me in a big way when I’m there. Yesterday, I shadowed the lead tech while she made IV medications. Then I practiced making IV meds with some expired meds, some sterile water, and an expired IV bag. Then I was tested on whether I was able to scrub up and correctly don a mask, cap, gown, gloves, and booties. Then they observed my technique. The pharmacist who was testing me took cultures of my gloved fingers on agar plates multiple times and they will be analyzed to determine how well I maintain sterile gloved hands for preparing IVs. Yeah, there is A ****LOAD MORE to making IV’s than just injecting a syringe full of meds into a bag. Don’t even lol. When the results come back after a few weeks, if they are acceptable, I will begin IV training. My point is that I was horrifically nervous throughout the whole procedure. I felt like I was ready to throw up. My imposter syndrome was blaring in my brain “Who do you think you are that you can safely do all this? You’ll kill patients because you suck. You ruin everything. You are a total loser.” I seriously had to work to drown it out. I literally put all my energy into focusing on my technique in the hood. It was absolutely awful.

I feel like I’m all alone. Last year and earlier this year, I was a part of a group called RealRoots—basically, I was matched with a bunch of women with whom I might be compatible. It went really well for a while; we all met up a lot and hung out, and they are all very cool women. But after one of them died, we just fell apart. Things happened for each of us and the group dissolved. I tried to reconnect with everyone on the WhatsApp chat, but no dice. I only have maybe three genuine friends. My cousin is expecting in February, and it’s wonderful – I’m very happy for her and her fiancée, and she will be a fantastic mother. I feel like the odd one out though. Out of all four of us grandkids, I’m the only one who is single; my cousins are both engaged, one is expecting, and my sister and her boyfriend are essentially a common-law marriage. There are many reasons for this; the 2010s were extremely rough for me, as I was severely anorexic and bulimic, taking drugs, binge drinking, and really, really struggling in general. Even in that state, I realized I was in no condition to be in a relationship with anyone. Things are better for me now, but it is tough meeting guys in your forties. And honestly, part of me wonders if I really want to be in a relationship. Sometimes, I think I do—and sometimes, I think I want kids. But sometimes I am just happy being on my lonesome, choosing when and where I can socialize, and having the freedom to do whatever I want. Anyway, it’s probably too late now. I guess I just have to accept that it is what it is. Kudos to my mom for not getting all weepy on me when I told her about my cousin expecting; my dad doesn’t know yet. LOL