Losing at the Game of Life

I am back with the same issue again.

I was very sick for the past few days with left me feeling depressed and alone. I didn't want to see my doctor because she works at a teaching hospital clinic where I am going to get young doctors and they always have video and audio recording.

I had to remember to tell them that I don't want to be filmed. It's so annoying. And the doctor is a young girl with perfect face and body. The previous time I went, the doctor looked a tall girl with 13 year old face.

It makes me jealous because it makes me upset because when I was her age, I never had it together to be a doctor or to have any career.

Instead of my life was constantly yelling from immigrant parents who demanded me that I need to figure it out when they never gave me the tools while they never had any education themselves. They blamed me for my problems and expected that I should know what to do just I know English. And i did not have good skin. I had break out on my skin and this jerk that I saw at one point did nothing but hurt my self esteem.

I wish i knew what my strengths were or could develop if I tried. The sad part is I still really don't but I am trying to learn French through Duolingo. I wish they had Duolingo back then because maybe i would have learned a language by now, who knows.

This all leads back to thinking that
I am not likeable or "part of the team" because I am too serious. It's hard for me to joke and laugh because I don't know how.

How could I know? I was trapped by a family who just put me down and had these expectations.

I am angry at myself because i can't fit in.
I am supposed to be able to control my emotions. And be able to pretend I have happiness otherwise I'll be alone.

I never asked the lord to be alone and be conflicted with my life.

It's hard to meet people. I don't choose to be alone but I think I don't have much in common with ppl. Most times I just see people once and never again.

And I can't read books because my parents hated novels and thought it was a waste of time. I did read some when I was teenager. When I tried to read some as adult, my dad thought I was wasting my life reading a novel instead of trying to get a job.

School was difficult because I couldn't stop all these racing thoughts when I tried to study a math books.

Im old now and finally got my job. I guess my late dad would approve if I read a novel now because i already got a job.

I couldn't read a novel now because its just another extra thing when im doing Duolingo and studying French.

I don't know what the lord what to do. Maybe I was supposed to be uncomfortable and be alone and to never feel joy.

I must learn how to be competent and joke more because people don't like serious people.

I try to be competent but it always makes doesn't turn out well. I am constantly having to study.