Am I better, worse, or the same? I don't know anymore.

I used to post here a lot when I was very deeply depressed and anxious. Constant SI. Could barely pass as human.

Now? I just don't know.

I am approximately 60 ketamine infusions deep into a very weird, ongoing journey. I have some of it documented here and elsewhere. Before that, I had almost 3 dozen failed "med trials" over 30 years of hell. A long list of nasty side effects, some of which are permanent. That is 30 years that I feel the psych industry has stolen from me. But that is not what this post is about, so I will refrain from ranting.

The heavy, sometimes sad, and hopeless feelings of depression? It is gone. It took a while, but it no longer exists.

The stinging pain of anxiety? Poof, that was mostly gone in about 10 sessions, and took about a year to get completely gone.

SI? It was gone and stayed gone after the first session.

By gone, I mean mostly gone. Events can trigger them, but I think it is closer to the way normal people experience depression and anxiety. But I can be triggered into it pretty quickly, but pull out just as quickly.

I have died so many times during sessions, and I realized my life is no different after death. It is funny that it has actually helped with anxiety. Ketamine sessions provide a safe buffer for some dark thoughts.

I have even managed terrible health news from a woman I love like a normal person, although it did trigger a really bad, but short episode during my last ketamine session.

As I have gained control in my ketamine sessions, that control has kind of followed in my life.

However, the feeling of depression, anxiety, and SI might be gone, but the effects remain.

It is still difficult to be productive, day in and day out. It is still too easy to just not do anything, even though I have a long to-do list I have created to improve my home and yard.

I am struggling to get on my bike consistently. I am struggling to get back to other things that I enjoy.

In short, I am having difficulties managing my life and time. It is still very easy to waste a day or multiple days.

I am far more social. Social anxiety is mostly gone, which I think annoys my neighbors.

Mostly gone, because sometimes I still lock myself away in my house, but it feels like it’s a habit instead of actual anxiety.

I still know that I am ugly, and thankfully, have no desire to date or actually find RL friends. That confuses my therapist. She sees the improvements, but still notes the symptoms that shouldn’t be there.

I used to just stare at the floor every session, and now I look her in the eye. I don’t feel awkward doing it, either. She doesn’t complain about it. Weird.

I assert myself and don’t put myself below her anymore. I set boundaries. All things I couldn’t do before ketamine.

She doesn’t understand why my self-esteem hasn’t changed. I asked her why she thinks it would warp into something untrue.

So, the physical and emotional feelings of MI are gone, but the negative effects on my life remain.

What is that? Is it a normal thing?

Is it the depression fooling me? I get voices during the ketamine sessions telling me I am too old(I am 57), too worthless, to bother with the treatment. Is that it?

Am I fooling myself that I am getting better? Is this just a work in progress? There is a disconnect here.

Has anyone experienced this after a lessening of symptoms?