Very distressed

This is a tough subject to talk about especially because she is your main contact IRL @3rd rock

I cannot understand her reasoning at such a young age, but maybe she has medical issues that she has not shared but may share if you do not go to see here with the attitude of changing her mind. For example 'Mom there must be something very hard to cope with. Please share more of what motivates you to want to end your life ."

I would go there with the attitude of learning more - it does not mean you agree but arguing with her may turn her off and what may really help you is to understand her reasoning. Then at a later time you could point out holes in her logic and make the case for living. But I would not try that in the same day.

[If you want me to see your reply to this post please tag me by including @CANDC in your message - not in requoting my message and not the first word of your message]

To clarify, I did not mean I am currently battling thoughts of self-harm, but that I had an episode in my 20s which is now over 15 years ago when I did. Apologize for the confusion.

Hello @3rd rock The suggestions I have for you might not make you feel any better but here I go:

Perhaps your mom would consider advanced directives instead. Making it known in advance that she doesn't want extreme measures taken should she become incapacitated such as feeding tubes, artificial airways, etc. would make her feel better.

Perhaps suggest a mental health check up for your mom? A Psychologist? A Psychiatrist? Antidepressants?

Perhaps getting a Do Not Resuscitate order in place would make her feel better. It doesn't mean do not treat. It just means no resuscitation should her heart or lungs fail.............................. She would still go to the hospital if she needed to be treated for anything serious. No changes in her medications or physicians.................

Remind her she has the option for Hospice End of Life Care to keep her comfortable should she qualify in the FUTURE.

In case you are not familiar with what hospice offers. They offer 2 programs.

Palliative care if you qualify and can remain on for up to 6 months and if you remain stable they kick you off. You can keep your primary care physician and have the hospice physician and your mom would be in control of all of her care. No medication changes necessary. You can still be a Full Code on this program if you want to be resuscitated.

Then there is the Crisis Care Hospice where they provide you with necessary medication and around the clock care givers to keep you comfortable if death is imminent.

My late mom who passed away from Parkinson's Disease 4 years ago had all of the above in place. She went through every stage I listed above and she died peacefully in our home in her own bed with me and her cat in bed with her. My sister lives with me so she was there too that morning. You know when death is imminent because there is a drastic change in breathing and level of alertness slowly declines until they are no longer able to be awakened so starting the crisis care was a natural step to keep her comfortable. She was only on the crisis care for approx 2 days and she didn't suffer.

Please feel free to private message me at anytime if you like. My sister and I are currently taking care of my dad who is bed bound and a full code. He is on Palliative Hospice Care at the moment and they are ready to kick him off so we are kind of feeling our way around the whole process because his wishes are the complete opposite of my moms. Prior to going on Hospice he fell, broke his hip and lost the ability to ambulate or get out of bed. This sudden change in ability is what qualified him for the palliative care.

You might already know all of this stuff I've mentioned above.

I am also terrified of being left alone in this world. I only have my dad and my sister left. I have to remind myself.............I do not know when I'm going to die. I could die before the both of them and I worried in vain.

I do not believe in assisted death either. We didn't bring ourselves into this world and I don't feel we have the right to take ourselves out of it. I'm sure others here might disagree. I too tried to but remember, we we're mentally unstable at those times. Now on medication I don't think those thoughts anymore.

@3rd rock Another thing that just occurred to me was how there for me my mom was when I tried to exit this world. I'm sure your mom did the same for you. You might want to remind her of that and explain to her that what she wants to do to herself now is no different than what you tried to do to yourself back then. That it's very painful for you as I'm sure it was painful for her back then.

I should clarify again that she is not going to do anything imminently, but mentioned it briefly as a long-term possibility, perhaps 5 to 20 years from now depending on how she deteriorates. It still upsets me to think about. I apologize for the confusion in that, I was very upset when I wrote my original post and perhaps wasn't as clear as I could have been. Thank you so much @Ruftin for your posts, it really does help to know that there are others out there who have been through similar difficulties. My mother does have an extensive history of depression, but that is not motivating her to discuss these things.

My mom was there for me when I was in the psychiatric ward; in fact, she was one of only two people who visited me, the other being one of her friends who was an Auntie for me when I was a kid. I will definitely talk to her about it when we have Sunday dinner this weekend.

I realize I am late to this thread, but I saw elsewhere that you are struggling. So I checked if you had a thread. Seems like a lot is goong on with you. I hope your mom has gotten less preoccupied with MAiD. We are here for you and hope this turmoil will settle down

Thanks for your support. She just mentioned it in passing once and hasn't mentioned it again. It just really bothered me, although I didn't let it show. She's the only support I have in the world and I can't stand the thought of losing that, even though I know on an intellectual level that everyone passes, sooner or later. I'm much better now.

I'm glad you are less distressed. People say a lot of things out of fear and worry that often don't reflect a real decision or a real intention. It sounds like you will likely have your mom around for years to come. She is fortunate to have a caring son, who is there to support her through whatever life may have in store for her. If she brings this subject up again, it might be good to remind her that you and her will see things through together.

It's probably good that you didn't react to her by expressing strong fears of your own. If you stay calm, that may help her to calm down. Sounds like she has already.

Your own fears about someday losing a supportive parent are a separate issue. It's normal to fear the eventual loss of someone you love and have been loved by. Grief is painful. I've been through it, but it usually is not a permanent state of mind. Through some miracle, humans come through grief and heal. It does help to have others in one's life who care and offer some warmth. I know what it is to be rather alone and not feel surrounded by friendship. That's something I'm trying to work on myself. Try not to buy in to the belief that there will never be anyone who cares about you besides your mother. Perhaps, like me, you may be introverted and find connecting to others to be a tough challenge. Don't give up. Try to be open to opportunities to connect. I'm working on that myself and know it's not easy. Billions of people in the world, yet so many of us are more alone than is healthy.