Hello...me again, if you remember me....and struggling.Again/Still

Um...hi everyone.

I used to post here for awhile...it's been ages though.
Paranoia kind of set in, but no blame on any of you who are struggling, suffering...just my very messed up head.

Needed to reach out here again.

There are certainly other boards here I would like to post on, but...needing first to talk about this "Severe Enduring Eating Disorder" of mine.

Forgive me if I am about to repeat things I have already shared here, be irritatingly redundant.

And even more shamefully, I am sorry after my absence that I have returned here with no successes to share, and have not been here to support you all as you so kindly supported me...

Anyway...this July, I will be 51 (!!!) years old.

I have "lived" with my ED since I was 11 years old, or if, while she was allive (My mum passed away in November of advanced dementia), my mother would always tell me that she believed I have had my ED since I was 18 months old...clamping my mouth shut, refusing even things most kids would delight in eating.

I was the smallest in my kindergarten class, the other kids used to carry me around like I was a doll..

Anyway, I don't know about my mum's theory.
Certainly at 18 months it was not about losing weight, but some sort of early power struggle...and even then, in my uh...how to put it without going into detail?

Chaotic, unstable, frightening home.

So, at 11, in a professional ballet school with as you can imagine, being surrounded by eating disorders and all manner of terrible things, (do not be decieved by the beauty of ballet, the ballet world is actually very dark.)

Ugh...again, forgive me if I already posted this history ages ago and am boring you all to tears..

I will attempt to share where I am at TODAY...

The last time I was in IP tx fir my ED was in 2024.
I did their virtual OP fir about 4? weeks before my anxiety got the best of me, right before I reached my BMI deemed appropriate for my therapist to tell me I ws then ready to do the body image work.

And...that was (and is) what I really needed to work on at that point.

But of course, I fled...

I was eating after dicharging myself from OP, but not at all how I was taught in tx.
But I decieved myself into thinking that I was eating, with more freedom, less anxiety, cooking more, somehow less daunted and terrifed of grocery stores.

My boyfriend/friend whatever he was and still is, kept making me food, I suppose worried that, "If you get anorexic again I won't be able to help you. I will be working again."

He kept makig comments about my body, which he said and says, "I am just trying to boost your confidence."

But. these comments did the exact opposite.
They brought on disgust, shame, and anger in me.

I have not seen him in a few weeks as indeed he has been working a lot, but yesterday, and today on the phone he said,"Tomorrow I can stop by and bring you some food."

And, that old familiar voice had me hearing it speak firmly, "Oh no thanks.""You sure?"
"Yeah, no thanks."

So, I was just in hospital, d/c a week ago Friday, not ED related, another crisis, (I am safe right now i assure you.)...

At first I was being "good" that first dinner in pysch emerg...I ate it all..but the praise from the nurse just made me feel humilated, like a pathetic and weak glutton.

The pyschiatrist who interviewed me happened to be my last IP (also not ED related but as in a prior post here, was aware of my anorexia) doctor, who asked me if i have been eating.

I said I think, well...I am not trying to lose weight intentionally, but I did buy a scale, was shocked at the number...much lower than I expected, and of course not what/whom I see in the mirror...she looked me up and down and told me, "Yes, you HAVE lost weight since I saw you in May."
"Have I?"

Felt bewildered..., told her I returned the scale the following day.

She asked how many meals I eat in a day.

I was so...far away from myself...conciously I was not lying, but did see myself hold up x fingers.

She had me admitted, but no beds at that hospital, so was transferred to a hospital I had never been to.

It actually turned out to be a really good unit, and I had a wonderful and validating and empathetic pyschiatrist.

At first I dutifully went and picked up my trays, dutifully ate my whole trays...and then, again...something snapped in my head and most everything on my trays I had requested be pescatarian which they respected, pretty much all of it was then, again, "illegal" "forbidden".

So...I began to restrict.
I began to shamefully lie to the sweet nurses who would ask, "How ws breakfast/lunch/dinner did you get snack?

"Good/Good./Good...no, was not hungry.

I felt terrible, pure evil.
They were so lovely.

My doctor never asked me a thing about my ED, and gave me the dx I have fir over 25 years thought fit me, DID, rsther than BPD...

Still trying to make sense of this.

He said a long admission would not be benificial, only pyschotherapy with the goal being integration...uncannily enough he told me, "You have a fractured pysche.".which is something I have described myself as fir a very long time...

But sorry...again I digress.

While still in hospital I ended up ordering another scale, and it was at my door as soon as i came back from the hospital.

Of course, before anything else?

Took it out of the box and stepped on it-to my sick and twisted delight at the number.

Ok..so, even aftr 3 consectutive years in tx, I never reached "solid recovery"...

But now it is back to a dangerous place...old "safe foods",other behaviours so deeply ingrained I have begun to embrace once again...

So, it seems I am stuck in the vortex again...to the point where, once again this morning at the grocery store I was terrified and got what was "safe", and quickly got outta there.

This morning I felt, and still here after 4 PM, feel alone and isolated, the ED promising me "company" "focus away from everything else plaguing me", "friendship"...

Yes, again, sick and twisted...

However, thinking back on my last stint in tx where I ws very sick, the past few days my IP therapist telling me that at my age, with how long I have had this illness, how many times been in and out of tx...my chances of recovery are, pardon her terrible pun, "slim."

Then, I felt so angry...why did they bother the trying to help me when that precious space could have gone to someone just at the beginning of their illness, she or he having more of a chance at freedom and a rich and full life?

Again, have this logical part of me, trying to sway me back to being, well, rational...and the other part of me dragging me back into the mire that is anorexia.

My doctor in the hospital said, "I don't see someone whom is profoundly depressed."

But...I am miserable.

i know I ought to reach out on the dissociation board here, and forgive me for not simply focusing on my ED here...

I was honest with my OP pyschiatrist and therapist, and will be with my pyschoanalyst, and my pyschiatrist always focuss pretty much soley on my ED when it is "more active", "since it endangers your health"

This is far too much to cope with on my own.

The man in my life, my only social connection really called earlier, asked how I am, and I found myself quietly saying,"I need help. I need help."

And he said why, whst happenened?

i told him nothing happened and that if I tried to explain it to you you would not understand etc...

So he dropped it and went on to talk abot himself.

I was a thousand miles away.

Alright, this has been far too long of a post, especially after disappearing for so long, and no pressure, any of you, to respond...

Simply venting I suppose...

Thank you for reading if you have, and again, forgive me for not having returned here in a better place...

Sending you all strength and peace...

*Please forgive stupid typos....