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#1
Yesterday, 10:17 AM
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(this ended up being a long vent, sorry. adding a trigger just in case. i worry a lot).
my issue only started almost 4 months ago, so that's one reason i feel like i don't deserve to be here. but the main reason, however, is i essentially did this to myself knowing fully well what i was doing. i've been studying psychology for over 7 years, ranging across every type of disorders. it's my absolute favorite hobby alongside creating stories and characters with different issues, etc. that's including ed's as well. so if i've been well aware of the symptoms, behaviors, causes, and potential complications of ed's for years, why would i do this to myself? the months leading up to the first time i intentionally purged had been insanely stressful. i could not catch a break whatsoever. it was just thing after thing everytime i started to get better. a major life change, family conflict, and already-existing mental health problems just one after another and then i couldn't take it anymore. i've talked to crisis text line about this exact thing before and the counselor told me knowledge doesn't always prevent things from happening. plus, cognitive dissonance (i think?). it's only been 4 months, i knew what i was doing, but i haven't been able to stop because it's become a stress relief thing for me or because i feel like i have to (so far i believe i fit more into purging disorder). i feel like i don't deserve to look for support for this, to reach out, or to find/create relatable media in terms of ed's. i've only opened up to one person about this, and i've kept it hidden from my parents this whole time as well. i just wanted to get this off my chest because i'm not ready to tell any of my other friends and am too scared to. i really hope i'm not alone and that i'm not making anyone upset.
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no matter what your mind tells you, you matter ♡ please be patient with me as i have social anxiety and get anxious very easily talking to people |
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#2
Yesterday, 12:47 PM
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Welcome! Sorry you're here too
 Your feelings are absolutely valid. You also should seek treatment (or at least have a therapist skilled in treating patients with EDs). I say this because the longer you continue with ED behaviors, the harder and harder and next to impossible it becomes to change things. Is there some other way for you to relieve stress? Walking, yoga, pilates, a hot bath with bath oil, doing paint by number/color by number, talk to a friend?
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Bipolar 1, PTSD, anorexia, panic disorder, ADHD quetiapine (Seroquel), lamotrigine, lithium, guanfacine (Intuiv), pantoprazole (PPI for stomach), iron, magnesium, fish oil, vitamin C, Citracal There's a crack in everything. That is how the light gets in. --Leonard Cohen |
 SadZombie
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 SadZombie
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#3
Yesterday, 04:20 PM
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Quote:
thank you, @Blueberrybook
 unfortunately, i cannot afford treatment, and i don't believe my parents will take me seriously if i tell them about my eating issues due to being brushed off or told i need to get over feelings i've been having for "too long", even when i was at an extremely low point. that's why i've been looking for support forums instead. the compulsion to purge has already gotten pretty strong after any "non-safe" meal, so i think i'm already screwed in that regard. forms of art are ways for me to relieve stress and pass time, but those really only work as distractions from hunger short-term. what i tend to do is create something after a purge just to get my feelings out and as another way to distract myself from the unpleasant side effects of the act. and like i said, i've only opened up to one person about this, but even then i don't really know how to talk about it. like, do i tell them when i'm having urges? do i tell them i was in the bathroom for half an hour doing this? i hope i'm making sense. 
__________________
no matter what your mind tells you, you matter ♡ please be patient with me as i have social anxiety and get anxious very easily talking to people |
| Blueberrybook
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