stabbed with a Morgul Blade?

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Originally Posted by ThatOtherMike If you're a LOTRs fan you know what I mean. Lately I seem to be just sort of fading. Not necessarily depressed or troubled by deep anxiety but just sort of fading from the world. Or maybe it would be more correct to say the world is fading from me.

Hey, @ThatOtherMike - I totally understand what this feels like - I felt like that between 2005-2019 - it was a long period of my life when I lived in New York. It took a long time for me to finally come out of it - especially when I moved to North Carolina, the change in environment helped a lot.

I know it's probably not possible to move right now, but if you are able to maybe visit somewhere new? Somewhere you have never been? Maybe it will help you feel renewed.

@LadyShadow
Hey there Lady, good to hear from you Hope you're doing well! I'm caregiver to my older sister plus I take care of 7 or 8 rescue cats so I'm pretty much stuck in place. I really couldn't afford to travel anyway. It's complicated It's a great idea tho
Lets see... where would I go if I could? I'd go to 1920s California if I had a time machine.
I've been to Montreal. Beautiful city.
I think I'm in the mood for trees and fresh air that doesn't feel like it's already been breathed too many times. Upstate New York is pretty and it should be cooling off soon according to my oldest sister who lives up near the border.
I think I'm just feeling my age and the effects of a lifestyle that ranged from frozen by depression/anxiety to living way too fast trying to make up for the lost time. And I think maybe my eyes were open a little too much.

Mike, do you think it could be related to the current situation in this country? I've read that therapists report an increase in the number of clients struggling with with depression and anxiety. Personally I have this low level of dis-ease which leads me to withdraw from the world a bit.

You mentioned being your sister's caregiver? Could it be you are just worn out. Caregiver burnout is a real thing. Are there resources in your area that could give you respite?

Or maybe it's age. I know we are around the same age. You've mentioned wear and tear on your body. Same here. I've grown intolerant of the BS in the world. I don't have the mental or physical energy to deal with it anymore. I've given myself permission to withdraw from the world - limit my exposure to the news, happily stay here on the farm with the furbabies. Since giving myself that permission to cocoon my dis-ease has gone down.

I wish peace for you in your life.

Hey there. It’s a prefect storm to experience this. Being a caregiver, the crazy political climate, the climate, age.

Can you do something unexpected? Like go see a movie, break the mold for a couple hours? I hear Spider-Man is really good. It’s escapism at its best. Or maybe the more serious, Odyssey? It’s not much, but it could give you a couple hours of relief?

@lizardlady
Hey Liz. This might be a good day to play the lotto numbers lol. You hit on all three with that post. Yes I am burned out from almost 5 year of being caregiver... to someone who really rubs me the wrong way. Being caregiver is hard enough but being around someone 24/7 that you can't relate to, can't communicate with, is snoopy, and is totally self-absorbed definitely sounds like a situation that could be mind-numbing and soul-sucking. Quite a sentence there hmm?
Age... yeah there is that factor. Most everything I've ever been into is a young man's game. I am not coping with age well at all.

And finally yes... I am completely disillusioned (not that I've had illusions in ages) and disgusted by the state of our country and the state of humanity.
Life in the first world has become some silly and shallow reality show existence. The main interests of seemingly everyone is professional sports, television, and Hollywood epics. And tech gadgetry. Where is there any depth?
I'm not 'Mr Serious deep thinker intellectual' all the time but my interests do tend to lean that way.
And finally... I am tired of having to constantly check and double check sources to find who is telling the truth about happenings in our country and in geopolitics. Almost everyone whose job it is to keep us informed has an agenda rather than a desire to shine a light on truth. I'm tired of fending off people trying to shape my views and opinion.
Whew. Thanks for setting me off lol. It probably helps to be able to put all that into words. Thank you.

Bottom line truth is I may just be tired of it all. It's like going to a party and you're enjoying yourself and everything is pretty good but then you realize that it isn't fun anymore and maybe hasn't been for a while. All your favorite friends have already left and maybe someone you hoped might be there didn't make it. So you're hit with this depressing realization that 'damn, I've stayed at this party long past the time I should have left and now how do I make a graceful exit?'
Does that make sense?

Hey yourself Yes those are all things I guess most of us are having to cope with.
BTW I was writing my response to Liz while you posted. Hollywood thing was not aimed at you lol. Just wanted to make that clear.
And yes we all do need escape. We all need playtime. Else we'd all go bonkers. Or have we already

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Originally Posted by Nammu Hey there. It’s a prefect storm to experience this. Being a caregiver, the crazy political climate, the climate, age. Can you do something unexpected? Like go see a movie, break the mold for a couple hours? I hear Spider-Man is really good. It’s escapism at its best. Or maybe the more serious, Odyssey? It’s not much, but it could give you a couple hours of relief?

Mike, I don't have the mental bandwidth to answer you right now. Will come back after my brain is functioning...

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Originally Posted by lizardlady Mike, I don't have the mental bandwidth to answer you right now. Will come back after my brain is functioning...

Morning fog? That reminds me of the unspoken fear. The elephant in the room. Am I in the early stage of dementia?
I am very much aware that I am not as sharp as I was. Not even close. It could be depression. I tell myself that but I'm not convinced. I've been dealing with depression off and on my entire life. It affected my cognitive functioning to a degree but not to this degree. There is some history of dentia in my family but it isn't a family trait. My mother had dementia but it was vascular dementia. One of my sisters developed dementia but I never knew the diagnosis. It could have been Alzheimers. My doctor gives me a cognitive function test every year but it isn't a hard test. Draw a clock indicating 11:50... remembering 3 random words for ten minutes... what is today's date?... who is the current president? etc.
Not exactly comprehensive or difficult.

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who is the current president?

I wonder how many MAGA folks had trouble with that one when Biden was president
Get your brain jump-started girl, it's almost 11am. Almost noon your time

It is the Montreal Cognitive Assessment test. You can see it here: | The Paper version of the Montreal test

From your posts, it would seem that you are just fine cognitively, totally fine, but if you yourself sense a decline, then let me ask you: how is your hearing? Untreated hearing loss is a risk factor for dementia. See an article on the website of Johns Hopkins Medicine

Do you get regular hearing tests? They should be part of basic preventive care, not only at your age but much earlier.

It is true that depression can lead to a temporary decline in cognitive abilities, but as you say, you have been dealing with depression all your life, and it has affected you cognitively, but not to that degree. At the same time, there is also a distinct possibility that your current depression colors your outlook and plants negative thoughts in your mind, including the worry that you are not as sharp as before. Some thoughts during depressive episodes need to be reality-tested. They may not be accurate, and the saying "it is your illness speaking" applies. I am not saying this is true in your case, but I wonder if you have noticed a pattern in the past where your self-assessment fluctuated in line with your mood.

It's been two days, but I'm back. Life got in the way.

Mike, the situation with your sister sounds untenable. Why do you have to be hercaregiver? Does she have Medicaid? They have resources that could give you a break. There is an old saying "don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm." You have to take care of yourself first. Is it time to think about a nursing home for her?

As for the current situation in our country... lack of control is a HUGE trigger for me. Let's face it, this situation is waaaaay out of control. I decided to take control in areas under my control. I've pretty much stopped engaging with the news. I do not watch TV news. I limit my online news to scanning headlines and reading the occasional story. As you've seen in another forum I also enjoy finding meme related to the situation.

You mentioned wanting to be out in nature. How about going to a local park? Not the same as upstate New York, but would let you soak up some sun and hang out with the plants and critters.

Ah depression... are you on meds? Seeing a therapist or pdoc? If not, is it a possibility? What has worked for you in the past? I think one of the most deplorable parts of depression is that it drains us of the energy and will to help ourselves.

About your comments regarding the party. Could that be depression talking. Depression always makes me think of the Stones Paint it Black. It paints a black paul over everything. On the other hand, my friend and I have talked about being at peace with the idea that the end of the road is in sight. I am NOT talking about wanting to end myself. I'm enjoying life right now, but am also okay with moving on to the next stage.

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Originally Posted by Tart Cherry Jam It is the Montreal Cognitive Assessment test. You can see it here: | The Paper version of the Montreal test From your posts, it would seem that you are just fine cognitively, totally fine, but if you yourself sense a decline, then let me ask you: how is your hearing? Untreated hearing loss is a risk factor for dementia. See an article on the website of Johns Hopkins Medicine Do you get regular hearing tests? They should be part of basic preventive care, not only at your age but much earlier.

Thank you for IDing that test. I like knowing things like that. Maybe you can help me out with something else. There was a very comprehensive series of tests given to all seventh grade students in the US in the late 1960s. You wouldn't happen to know what that test was called?
My hearing is probably above average. Definitely better than it should be all things considered. I spent a lot of time with large amplifiers and speaker cabinets to either side of me and very loud percussion instruments in front of me. I definitely have tinnitus which I try hard to ignore.

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Originally Posted by Tart Cherry Jam It is true that depression can lead to a temporary decline in cognitive abilities, but as you say, you have been dealing with depression all your life, and it has affected you cognitively, but not to that degree. At the same time, there is also a distinct possibility that your current depression colors your outlook and plants negative thoughts in your mind, including the worry that you are not as sharp as before. Some thoughts during depressive episodes need to be reality-tested. They may not be accurate, and the saying "it is your illness speaking" applies. I am not saying this is true in your case, but I wonder if you have noticed a pattern in the past where your self-assessment fluctuated in line with your mood.

I can't say that I have but as you say, depression tends to bring about negative thinking as well as 'muddying the waters' in general. I'm sure I tended to judge my self-worth more harshly but I don't think I questioned my cognitive functions nor my basic intelligence. I can't say that now but mygawd I'm 70 and the past five years have been harsh.
I don't know that this is relevant but I've always felt that some of us who are diagnosed as clinically depressed may be different. I think we may see life/people a bit too clearly. I'm sure I'm not the first to have that theory.
BTW did you notice I misspelled dementia in one sentence? I know how to spell dementia of course but I make little mistakes like that frequently. I'd like to think it's poor typing skills but sometimes I wonder if I have tiny little blank spaces of consciousness. I know that's trivial... I'm not that hard on myself

I think the 7th grade test you asked about was some kind of aptitude test. I remember everyone in the grade taking a test. The adults all acted like it was some deep, dark secret and wouldn't talk about it. When I kept pushing my parents they told me it was to see if we could/should go to college.

Hmmm, you got my curiosity up. Am going to see if I can find out what it was.

The test was most likely the Iowa Test of Basic Skills ( now called Iowa Assessments). Here is a link to the Wikipedia page about it. I'm not sure what all the hush hush secrecy was all about in our area.

Iowa Assessments - Wikipedia

I remember taking school wide tests twice. Once in third grade and once in 7th grade. I thought it was just to measure how good the teachers were! I had a contentious relationship with my third grade teacher. She was sure I’d flunk the test and be held back, or even sent to a state school which was want she wanted. She didn’t like having a deaf child in her room. But more than that I corrected her in front of the whole class. She was going on and on about how USA was the best at everything and first in space. That was wrong. Said so in my science encyclopedia at home. She told my mum that I should be in a state school. Those standardized tests save me from being held back on her say so.

Those tests measured basic comprehension in reading, math and science. There were two tests though. The Iowa one and a California one.

Glad you're back.
The situation probably is untenable Liz but we all deal wth that don't we. Why do I have to be her caregiver? That is a complicated question.
The short answer is that it benefits both of us. I didn't plan for the future and retirement isn't enough to live on. I'd be happy to take my chances but a glitch in the cat distribution system has left me responsible for seven rescue cats. My sister's benefit is not being forced to live in a nursing home or assisted living facility.
Park visits sound nice but I'm supposed to stay out of the sun as much as possible. I could go later in the evening though.
As far as meds yes I've been taking the same ones for decades. I don't think I'd want to even try stopping them now or switching to something else. No pdoc or therapy.
That party analogy was pretty much accurate I think. There isn't anything left I want to do. I'm basically here for the cats
I have no SI though. Considering my age and my health situation the end is going to come soon enough anyway lol. And my but time does fly these days. Despite the way it may sound I can't actually say I want to die or am ready for the next stage but we all know how the story ends

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Originally Posted by lizardlady It's been two days, but I'm back. Life got in the way. Mike, the situation with your sister sounds untenable. Why do you have to be hercaregiver? Does she have Medicaid? They have resources that could give you a break. There is an old saying "don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm." You have to take care of yourself first. Is it time to think about a nursing home for her? As for the current situation in our country... lack of control is a HUGE trigger for me. Let's face it, this situation is waaaaay out of control. I decided to take control in areas under my control. I've pretty much stopped engaging with the news. I do not watch TV news. I limit my online news to scanning headlines and reading the occasional story. As you've seen in another forum I also enjoy finding meme related to the situation. You mentioned wanting to be out in nature. How about going to a local park? Not the same as upstate New York, but would let you soak up some sun and hang out with the plants and critters. Ah depression... are you on meds? Seeing a therapist or pdoc? If not, is it a possibility? What has worked for you in the past? I think one of the most deplorable parts of depression is that it drains us of the energy and will to help ourselves. About your comments regarding the party. Could that be depression talking. Depression always makes me think of the Stones Paint it Black. It paints a black paul over everything. On the other hand, my friend and I have talked about being at peace with the idea that the end of the road is in sight. I am NOT talking about wanting to end myself. I'm enjoying life right now, but am also okay with moving on to the next stage.

I would need to look it up. I didn't live in the US in the late 1960s. In fact, the late 1960s happened slightly before I was born . It was when my parents only got married.

It was super easy for me to ID the Montreal test because I am part of a research study, and I complete that test every year. I carry a Parkinson's gene mutation, even though there is no history of Parkinson's in my family, as far as I know; my son carries two Parkinson's gene mutations. This study will track me over time to see whether I develop Parkinson's, and another related study tracks my physical activity with a Fitbit they sent me (now part of Google Health) to investigate whether being active prevents or delays the onset of Parkinson's.

I am an Alzheimer's gene mutation carrier, too, and have a lot of family history of Alzheimer's in women; none in men. Very capable, knowledgeable, high-achieving women among my ancestors ended up essentially like vegetables in their nineties. This is certainly something I would like to avoid, so I do what I can: work out, have guests over and speak to my friends regularly (social and relational aspects), eat a varied home-cooked diet, and... keep putting off reviving the foreign languages I used to be fluent in and/or learning new ones (it would be nice to learn basic Spanish where I live, given how many native speakers of Spanish there are here). I do know that it's not just foreign language learning that helps, but any cognitive engagement, challenge, or difficulty that you overcome; I simply happen to like learning foreign languages. Just no time for that now.

So I will figure out what the test in the late 1960s was and update the thread.

I definitely noticed you misspelled dementia, but I didn't comment because I didn't want to be nitpicky. I am detail-oriented to a fault, and sometimes people don't like that, so I mention those nits that jump at me without my trying to spot them only when I know for sure, double sure actually, that it will be well-received (I just finished editing my son's draft, and he definitely appreciated it when I noticed he misspelled warehouse as warhouse ). I would have mentioned it had I thought it was a lapse on your part, but I thought it was just rushing at the keyboard.

For statistical comparison, even with dementia misspelled, you still type far more correctly than most people, and the variety and complexity of your language and sentence structure is still at the right tail of the Gaussian curve. And given that high standard overall, I can see how you would treat those tiny lapses as little blank spaces of consciousness. Everything is relative, and if the bar was set high to begin with, lapses do appear significant, in contrast.

You are very lucky to have good hearing despite that past exposure. Do you play musical instruments? I am asking because, apparently, learning new music is being investigated as a possible big help in preventing or delaying Alzheimer's.

You are 70, but what you can do in car repair is above what most young guys can do nowadays. Look at it this way. And there is probably an evolutionary advantage to part of the tribe being depressed. These people saw things too clearly, appreciated risks and dangers, and helped others survive. Maybe. I obviously do not know.

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Originally Posted by lizardlady I think the 7th grade test you asked about was some kind of aptitude test. I remember everyone in the grade taking a test. The adults all acted like it was some deep, dark secret and wouldn't talk about it. When I kept pushing my parents they told me it was to see if we could/should go to college. Hmmm, you got my curiosity up. Am going to see if I can find out what it was. The test was most likely the Iowa Test of Basic Skills ( now called Iowa Assessments). Here is a link to the Wikipedia page about it. I'm not sure what all the hush hush secrecy was all about in our area. Iowa Assessments - Wikipedia

Sounds a little like it but maybe not. As best I recall the testing pretty much took up an entire school week. The school guidance counselor (that was our first year to have one) was out and about much more than usual the week the test results came back. That phrase 'college material' came up. A lot of my friends weren't college material and I thought the phrase seemed demeaning. The test scores did provide some amusement though. I was a long-haired hippie/surfer slacker kid and I was absent once or twice a week. Someone found out that my scores were much higher than the pocket protector wearing, slide-rule carrying serious students. Those guys had such a hard time with that that it was actually funny
On the negative side those scores also landed me in much tougher classes in the future...

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Originally Posted by Nammu I remember taking school wide tests twice. Once in third grade and once in 7th grade. I thought it was just to measure how good the teachers were! I had a contentious relationship with my third grade teacher. She was sure I’d flunk the test and be held back, or even sent to a state school which was want she wanted. She didn’t like having a deaf child in her room. But more than that I corrected her in front of the whole class. She was going on and on about how USA was the best at everything and first in space. That was wrong. Said so in my science encyclopedia at home. She told my mum that I should be in a state school. Those standardized tests save me from being held back on her say so. Those tests measured basic comprehension in reading, math and science. There were two tests though. The Iowa one and a California one.

It sucks that you had a bad 3rd grade teacher but good on you for standing up to her. I sat beside a deaf girl in freshman homeroom class. I thought she was the prettiest girl in school but she was always trying to give me gum and I did not need any help getting into trouble at school

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Originally Posted by Tart Cherry Jam I would need to look it up. I didn't live in the US in the late 1960s. In fact, the late 1960s happened slightly before I was born . It was when my parents only got married.

Okay

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Originally Posted by Tart Cherry Jam It was super easy for me to ID the Montreal test because I am part of a research study, and I complete that test every year. I carry a Parkinson's gene mutation, even though there is no history of Parkinson's in my family, as far as I know; my son carries two Parkinson's gene mutations. This study will track me over time to see whether I develop Parkinson's, and another related study tracks my physical activity with a Fitbit they sent me (now part of Google Health) to investigate whether being active prevents or delays the onset of Parkinson's.

That's interesting. I hope that advances the study of Parkinson's. I also hope that you and your son can somehow avoid the disease.

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Originally Posted by Tart Cherry Jam I am an Alzheimer's gene mutation carrier, too, and have a lot of family history of Alzheimer's in women; none in men. Very capable, knowledgeable, high-achieving women among my ancestors ended up essentially like vegetables in their nineties. This is certainly something I would like to avoid, so I do what I can: work out, have guests over and speak to my friends regularly (social and relational aspects), eat a varied home-cooked diet, and... keep putting off reviving the foreign languages I used to be fluent in and/or learning new ones (it would be nice to learn basic Spanish where I live, given how many native speakers of Spanish there are here). I do know that it's not just foreign language learning that helps, but any cognitive engagement, challenge, or difficulty that you overcome; I simply happen to like learning foreign languages. Just no time for that now.

I live in Tejas and grew up with first and second gen immigrants from Mexico. Two of my best friends (2nd gen from Mexico) were so well assimilated that they had to rely on their younger siblings to help them with Spanish. Probably 30%-50% of my friends throughout life were first or second gen from Spanish speaking countries and yet I still only speak un poco espanol

I was in a seven year relationship with a woman who spoke five languages. I can't even imagine it. Her native language was Romanian. I asked what language she thought and dreamed in. It was mostly english

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Originally Posted by Tart Cherry Jam So I will figure out what the test in the late 1960s was and update the thread.

Thank you. I think Liz and Nammu have narrowed it down but always room for more input.

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Originally Posted by Tart Cherry Jam I definitely noticed you misspelled dementia, but I didn't comment because I didn't want to be nitpicky. I am detail-oriented to a fault, and sometimes people don't like that, so I mention those nits that jump at me without my trying to spot them only when I know for sure, double sure actually, that it will be well-received (I just finished editing my son's draft, and he definitely appreciated it when I noticed he misspelled warehouse as warhouse ). I would have mentioned it had I thought it was a lapse on your part, but I thought it was just rushing at the keyboard.

I figured you (and everyone else) noticed

Yes you are detail oriented to a fault. We like you anyway

I am guilty of that myself at times but not as much as I used to be. I do sometime provide way too much information
Verbal (or written) communication is a sensitive topic for me. The sister I care for has absolutely terrible communication skills. She leaves out important details like proper nouns and personal pronouns and other bits of grammar. She is also bad about digrssion. I have to ask for clarifications and details and steer her back to the original topic so often that just having a conversation with her is extremely frustrating.

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Originally Posted by Tart Cherry Jam For statistical comparison, even with dementia misspelled, you still type far more correctly than most people, and the variety and complexity of your language and sentence structure is still at the right tail of the Gaussian curve. And given that high standard overall, I can see how you would treat those tiny lapses as little blank spaces of consciousness. Everything is relative, and if the bar was set high to begin with, lapses do appear significant, in contrast.

Good to know. The Gaussian curve is what many of us refer to as the bell curve? In my life being near that sweet spot in the bell curve and having an uncommonly good memory has been a curse as much as a blessing.
I suppose I set the bar high myself at an early age. To explain all that I'd have to relate things most people would only tell a trusted therapist. And it really isn't important to this thread.

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Originally Posted by Tart Cherry Jam You are very lucky to have good hearing despite that past exposure. Do you play musical instruments? I am asking because, apparently, learning new music is being investigated as a possible big help in preventing or delaying Alzheimer's. You are 70, but what you can do in car repair is above what most young guys can do nowadays. Look at it this way. And there is probably an evolutionary advantage to part of the tribe being depressed. These people saw things too clearly, appreciated risks and dangers, and helped others survive. Maybe. I obviously do not know.

Yes. I played drums frequently on a professional level. I also played a bit of guitar, piano, and flute. I very much appreciate my hearing. I have musician friends who have lost a lot of their hearing. I also consider myself fortunate in being able to ignore the tinnitus. Tinnitus can drive people to distraction I've heard.
I hadn't heard that playing a musical instrument could possibly be helpful in preventing/delaying Alzheimer's. I did read once that it could help with Autism. My best neighbors have two sons with Autism. I gave them some cheap musical instruments once but playing music lost out on the competition with Minions, tablets and video games lol.
What you speculated about on depression in early homo sapiens and evolution is very interesting. A younger version of myself might have taken that and run with it. The current version has a lazy mind and less curiosity.
AFAIK my depression has always been present to some degree but a few times it became debilitating. There were a few lengthy episodes when it was so bad that I just couldn't participate in life. I don't know that my family really understood the dysfunction but at least they were kind enough not to toss me out on the streets. Making sense of those times and seeing it as anything other than a weakness is something I've really never come to terms with. Over the years I became more able to function with depression and extreme anxiety. I can't help but wonder if maybe my family should have tossed me out. In sink or swim situations I have a history of learning to swim At this stage that's probably not something I should even be speculating on. There are no do-overs.

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Originally Posted by lizardlady Mike, I don't have the mental bandwidth to answer you right now. Will come back after my brain is functioning...

I know I've already answered this but a new thought occured to me. This is in fact a little like morning fog that just persists long past morning. To make it even harder to understand, I really wasn't much of a morning fog person. I tended to awaken pretty much ready to go. It's all so strange and contradictory that we could probably go back and forth with some of this and never really get anywhere.
It has been an interesting and helpful discussion to me though and I hope it has for the rest of you. I am not comfortable in the spotlight though.
On the bright side we are helping to keep the site more lively maybe

TOM wrote: "If youre a LOTRs fan you know what I mean." Sure do. I made the analogy myself. The wound that won't heal. Just like Frodo's on Weathertop Hill. I was sitting on the church steps. Had just finished helping 4 or 5 others smoke a couple of Js.
I was sitting and daydreaming when I felt a sharp jab in the area of my stomach. I stood to examine my waist and a hot smoky blossom rose up into my chest, as if my stomach had been a hot air ballopn and was just punctured. It was accompanied by the sensation of impending doom. One side of my head went cold and numb. My vision changed to a slide show. I was gasping for consciousness. The tingling sensation on the left side of my head coalesced into the size of a golf ball, and slowly marched to the left rear of my head, level with my ear. Then the tensing began. For 5 seconds, the tension increased every second, and then it discharged and when it did, I felt a powerful shock in my head and my vision warped as if I were suddenly looking through the wrong end of binoculars. Everything zoomed far away, as if at the end of a long tunnel. Thankfully, that image only lasted a second, but immediately the tensing began anew. 5 seconds later, another shock, and another, and another. I know where I was when it began. I know where I was when it ended. I was on foot and it would have taken me at least 2.5 minutes to cover that ground. At one epileptic discharge every five seconds, that's over 2 dozen epileptic discharges, and when it was over, I would never be the same. My temporal lobe was fried. And, like Frodo's wound, mine would ache. I could feel a vague ache at the epicenter of my temporal lobe seizure (in my hippocampus) for decades following that incident. Not supposed to be able to do that, I know. And I wasn't able to explain this incident for 40 years. It was only at the age of 56 that I realized that the cannabis had played but a supporting role, but the star was epileptic seizure preceded by epigastric/abdominal aura. At age 56 my EEG showed significant pathology in my temporal lobe, consistent with a sufferer of epileptic seizure. At that point, I was able to put the previous 40 years of my adult life into focus for the first time. I often wondered if Tolkein had experience with depression. In fact, I'm sure of it.

"And I wasn't able to explain this incident for 40 years" I take that back. I was able to explain it to more than half a dozen mental health experts, a Phd psychologist, and neurologist, and no one understood what I was telling them. Every 8 years or so I would come forward seeking an intervention to my suffering. It was all wasted effort.
However, when I finally found the appropriate resources, what I described was a text book epigastric/abdominal aura which often precedes a temporal lobe seizure. It begins with a jab in the abdomen, a rising sensation into the chest and head.
It travels the Vagus nerve into your brain and induces the temporal lobe seizure. I read where 50% of those requiring surgery for refractive epileptic seizure have their seizures begin with epigastric/abdominal aura.
The visual hallucinations I experienced are known as "Dolly Zoom" hallucinations. They occur when the visual path is affected and distorted by the epileptic discharge. It wasn't until I insisted on an EEG that the origin of my symptoms, including 5 episodes of major depression which lasted 2 years each and were epic struggles for survival - was revealed. By that time, 40 years of my adult life had disappeared like water over the dam. A big part of the difficulty in getting an appropriate diagnosis was my ability to function at a high level, in spite of my symptoms. I stayed employed, excelled at academics and athletics and for all appearances I was healthy. I wasn't. I was suffering horribly.

That sounds very complex and very serious. It's also an interesting henomena. I sympathize with you.
I may not have explained my part clearly. I've read LOTR many times but not recently. What I remember is after being stabbed on Weathertop, Frodo began to lose touch with the physical world. I think he described it as a fading away. Slipping into a sort of twilight existance. Something like a slow loss of consciousness. A sense of mentally fading away. That is what I feel. It's looking as if eventually I will have no consciousnessness left at all. There is st significant brain activity but it only manifests in dreams. I've begun to sleep a lot. I have vivid dreams. While awake I have little connection to life... to the physical world.
In the past 3 weeks I have developed this sometimes dull, sometimes intense pain in the left side of my lower back. I'm somewhat curious what it is but not enough to seek medical help.
I have so far been able to do what's absolutely necessary in day to day living. Keep the cats fed. Run errands for my sister and do what is required as her caregiver although my caregiving duties aren't as intense as they were in the past. I suspect I don't have a lot of time left. I'm okay with that.
I did make sure to take advantage of early voting

Back to your point, I confess I don't quite understand it. I do know it's a shame, a tragedy how much time we lose to these illnesses.

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Originally Posted by forestx5 TOM wrote: "If youre a LOTRs fan you know what I mean." Sure do. I made the analogy myself. The wound that won't heal. Just like Frodo's on Weathertop Hill. I was sitting on the church steps. Had just finished helping 4 or 5 others smoke a couple of Js. I was sitting and daydreaming when I felt a sharp jab in the area of my stomach. I stood to examine my waist and a hot smoky blossom rose up into my chest, as if my stomach had been a hot air ballopn and was just punctured. It was accompanied by the sensation of impending doom. One side of my head went cold and numb. My vision changed to a slide show. I was gasping for consciousness. The tingling sensation on the left side of my head coalesced into the size of a golf ball, and slowly marched to the left rear of my head, level with my ear. Then the tensing began. For 5 seconds, the tension increased every second, and then it discharged and when it did, I felt a powerful shock in my head and my vision warped as if I were suddenly looking through the wrong end of binoculars. Everything zoomed far away, as if at the end of a long tunnel. Thankfully, that image only lasted a second, but immediately the tensing began anew. 5 seconds later, another shock, and another, and another. I know where I was when it began. I know where I was when it ended. I was on foot and it would have taken me at least 2.5 minutes to cover that ground. At one epileptic discharge every five seconds, that's over 2 dozen epileptic discharges, and when it was over, I would never be the same. My temporal lobe was fried. And, like Frodo's wound, mine would ache. I could feel a vague ache at the epicenter of my temporal lobe seizure (in my hippocampus) for decades following that incident. Not supposed to be able to do that, I know. And I wasn't able to explain this incident for 40 years. It was only at the age of 56 that I realized that the cannabis had played but a supporting role, but the star was epileptic seizure preceded by epigastric/abdominal aura. At age 56 my EEG showed significant pathology in my temporal lobe, consistent with a sufferer of epileptic seizure. At that point, I was able to put the previous 40 years of my adult life into focus for the first time. I often wondered if Tolkein had experience with depression. In fact, I'm sure of it.

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Originally Posted by forestx5 "And I wasn't able to explain this incident for 40 years" I take that back. I was able to explain it to more than half a dozen mental health experts, a Phd psychologist, and neurologist, and no one understood what I was telling them. Every 8 years or so I would come forward seeking an intervention to my suffering. It was all wasted effort. However, when I finally found the appropriate resources, what I described was a text book epigastric/abdominal aura which often precedes a temporal lobe seizure. It begins with a jab in the abdomen, a rising sensation into the chest and head. It travels the Vagus nerve into your brain and induces the temporal lobe seizure. I read where 50% of those requiring surgery for refractive epileptic seizure have their seizures begin with epigastric/abdominal aura. The visual hallucinations I experienced are known as "Dolly Zoom" hallucinations. They occur when the visual path is affected and distorted by the epileptic discharge. It wasn't until I insisted on an EEG that the origin of my symptoms, including 5 episodes of major depression which lasted 2 years each and were epic struggles for survival - was revealed. By that time, 40 years of my adult life had disappeared like water over the dam. A big part of the difficulty in getting an appropriate diagnosis was my ability to function at a high level, in spite of my symptoms. I stayed employed, excelled at academics and athletics and for all appearances I was healthy. I wasn't. I was suffering horribly.

As for "fading", I had both acute and chronic deficits from my seizure. I no longer recognized my image in the mirror. I knew it was me, but intellectually and not emotionally. I lost my libido. Nothing. The researchers who wrote the paper that explained my situation said if scientists agreed people had souls, those souls would reside in the temporal lobe. If the eye is the window to the soul, and you can't look into your eyes in the mirror and come away with some measure of limbic resonance, you are truly f'd. I was left with agoraphobia. I was afraid to go outside. I had what could be defined as depersonaliztion. My interface with my body had been altered. My hands didn't seem like my own. I had derealization. I couldn't track motion normally, My vision was more of a slide show. My interface to my environment had been altered. I began to experience blinding migraine aura with fortification. I never had that before this incident. My ears popped and clicked incessantly, and did so for decades.. That tinnitus, I believe, was due to electrical storms in my brain causing agitation of my middle ear. I have a mild head tremor to this day, from an incident that occurred 55 years ago. The "post ictal" phase of my temporal lobe seizure lasted about 6 months. I never returned to normal. I had a new normal. Those horrid 6 months served as a template for future episodes of major depression which occurred on intervals of about 8 years. 6 months of god awful insomnia, anxiety, weight loss, and extreme hopelessness, followed by 18 months of digging my way back out to my new normal. When I served as Paimi chair, the director of the department of rights for the disabled said she understood depression, but she just didn't understand suicide. I thought to myself...you don't have a clue. Anyway, I survived and I am living the best years of my life. I lost a lot in those 40 years. I couldn't plan long term. I couldn't make commitments. I didn't let people get too close to me. I guess I just have to be thankful I'm alive and enjoying life at this point. I never thought I would get here, to tell you the truth.

You're right. This country is very shallow and puts a lot of emphasis on TV and other media. I think Muslim and Eastern Indian cultures are more cohesive. Everyone in this country is in their own world.
I'm from the Northeast and spent 4 years in NM. It was different.
I played guitar most of my life, too. I'm struggling very much with bipolar and meds and have no life.

Thank you for taking the time to give me a more detailed picture of your experiences. I'm reminded of Sysyfus from Greek mythology.
I know you must have self edited so much but it does give me a better understanding. I'm not going to insult you by saying I understand. I don't but I think I get an idea of the struggle you faced.
You must have had a powerful will for life.
So she understands depression... I'm impressed I'm not even sure I understand depression. Maybe she meant she understood depression is a 'bad thing.'
I'm truly glad you have some enjoyment in life now. I'm going to shut up now bc platitudes and cliches are the only things coming to mind at the moment. I was once chosen for a pit crew position based more on my 'stick-to-it-iveness' than my skills. My 'stick-to-it-iveness' pales in comparison to yours.

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Originally Posted by forestx5 As for "fading", I had both acute and chronic deficits from my seizure. I no longer recognized my image in the mirror. I knew it was me, but intellectually and not emotionally. I lost my libido. Nothing. The researchers who wrote the paper that explained my situation said if scientists agreed people had souls, those souls would reside in the temporal lobe. If the eye is the window to the soul, and you can't look into your eyes in the mirror and come away with some measure of limbic resonance, you are truly f'd. I was left with agoraphobia. I was afraid to go outside. I had what could be defined as depersonaliztion. My interface with my body had been altered. My hands didn't seem like my own. I had derealization. I couldn't track motion normally, My vision was more of a slide show. My interface to my environment had been altered. I began to experience blinding migraine aura with fortification. I never had that before this incident. My ears popped and clicked incessantly, and did so for decades.. That tinnitus, I believe, was due to electrical storms in my brain causing agitation of my middle ear. I have a mild head tremor to this day, from an incident that occurred 55 years ago. The "post ictal" phase of my temporal lobe seizure lasted about 6 months. I never returned to normal. I had a new normal. Those horrid 6 months served as a template for future episodes of major depression which occurred on intervals of about 8 years. 6 months of god awful insomnia, anxiety, weight loss, and extreme hopelessness, followed by 18 months of digging my way back out to my new normal. When I served as Paimi chair, the director of the department of rights for the disabled said she understood depression, but she just didn't understand suicide. I thought to myself...you don't have a clue. Anyway, I survived and I am living the best years of my life. I lost a lot in those 40 years. I couldn't plan long term. I couldn't make commitments. I didn't let people get too close to me. I guess I just have to be thankful I'm alive and enjoying life at this point. I never thought I would get here, to tell you the truth.