Looking for a sanity check

I have been married for 19 years, and have 1 child aged 9.

My wife decided to start a catering business about 12 months ago which has been consuming our lives. We both work full time and do the catering on the weekends.

We can’t quite afford a food truck at this time so we pull a 10’ trailer and set up tents and cook,
Rain or shine, we spend around 8-12 hours at these events and many late nights Thursdays and Fridays prepping. A day or so shopping.

And for the past 11 months the only time we’ve not done an event was when we were sick.

The whole thing was my wife’s dream, but not mine. I have sacrificed so much time on her business, and I’m feeling so burned out.
The prep work makes so much mess in our home, and my wife has no time to help with chores around the house, we don’t get to spend time with our child, and they are often left at home all day alone during the weekends.

The business has overtaken the house, commercial appliances take up the kitchen. The garage is full of storage totes. Three refrigerators.
It is so full that you can barely walk through it.

My wife gets a lot of validation from her customers which is nice to see, but she is becoming addicted to that validation. So much so that it’s all she really talks about.

Our home is trashed from cooking and preparing commercial quantities of food.

At the end of summer she said that we would give it a break for the Christmas period.
Unfortunately that promise was not kept as she’s now started selling food out of the house.
Asking that I deliver it when I get off work.
I made 20 deliveries on one evening.
She has even committed to doing catering now on Christmas Eve. New Year’s Eve.
We have 15-20 people knocking on the door picking up their food.
And because she has been so popular I often will help otherwise she sinks and struggles to handle the demand.

Am I a bad person because I don’t want to do this anymore? I want to have weekends where I can relax, take my kid out.
Earlier in the year I took my kid out for the day, and my wife later expressed frustration that I had done it when she needed my help. Why didn’t you schedule that for later in the day she said.

This really pissed me off, our child is my priority.
Another time my friends asked me to play golf. I went out for about 4 hours to play golf.

While out I received messages saying “ I know that you are trying to maintain friendships but I need help” help with the business she means.

I feel so frustrated, she makes out to her family that I’m not supportive. And tells me that they say that I’m not supportive.

I’m not sure how much of this situation I can tolerate, I just don’t have anyone to talk to about it, and if I bring it up with her she has basically told me if this is not what I want then we should separate.
We don’t need the money that she makes from the business, and I personally have not gained financially whatsoever as all of the proceeds of the business go into a business account that I don’t have access to.
Appreciate your feedback, and thank you.

Oh boy. Here's my take on this situation. Your wife sounds like she has her priorities out of order. Your child is the priority, or should be, for both of you, and not this business. Your wife dragged you into it, and honestly is being quite selfishly driven and obsessed. She cannot claim that you're being unsupportive since you've been helping her for a year! That's manipulative of her. Sorry, but I don't like the sounds of what your wife is doing to you. She claimed you would take a break over the holidays, and didn't. She went against her word, and you're naturally burnt out!

I would sit down and have an honest heart to heart conversation. Tell her that you're burnt out and that your child, not the business, comes first, along with needing quality time doing other life things. I would tell her that you need a break and that she needs to hire someone to help her. I would also advise that you speak with her about concerns regarding her priorities. Your child SHOUD COME FIRST.

If she cannot accept that you need a break and need to not be as involved, then maybe separation is the best option. Either that, or an objective third party couples counselor to help you figure out if separation is the best answer. If your wife won't budge and insists on keeping this pace up with you as involved as you have been, you may not have a choice but to walk away and separate.

I am sorry you are in this position. It's really not fair to you or your child.

It seems your wife feels unfilled and doing something (i.e. setting up her business) that fulfills her. It has nothing to do with her not *needing* to work. Besides, the kid is not neglected (and they are 9). What if roles were reversed and *you* were the one out of employment. Would you be happy to live on your wife's salary just because you don't need to work? Would you be happy to be told to chill and just spend time with the kid? Would that be enough for you?

It it understandable that she wants to pursue her own business. As it has only been 12 months, of course *at the beginning* the grind will take over. This is what supportive partners do i.e. support one another's dreams and goals. And of course, that will require adjustments and sacrifices. That is par for the course and more importantly, that is temporary.

Again, put yourself in her shoes - you are not working, you just start a business and your partner is tired of supporting you and wants to golf and take the kid out. How would you feel? That does not seem very supportive at all.

IF it were 5 years down the line, fine but she only just started her business and now you want to pull the rug under her. Ouch. Support should not be a one-way street whereby if *you* are fulfilled, that ought to be enough for *her*.

Thank you both for the replies. I appreciate them very much, just to clarify my wife and I both have regular full time jobs, in addition to the catering business.

Apologies for misunderstanding but... Wow, she must really want it then, if she is willing to put in that much work. I would still support her, but that's me.

You can still support her doing the business but ask her to hire someone else and give yourself time with your child and time to yourself.

What drives her desire to succeed in catering? It is not the need for additional income but something else. A childhood dream? Some unrealized fantasy? A desire to prove something to somebody? What is the meaning behind all that?

I grew up in a small business family, where the business was the sole source of income for the household.

I'm also an introvert, who needs a designated sanctuary (and time) to recharge the proverbial batteries.

The situation you described would be intollerable for me. Everything in life needs limits and boundaries.

Sometimes people work from home, but honestly, you're homing from work at this point. How and where do you get away from it all? The way you describe how the side business has taken over the house, and your spare time, sounds excessive.

It is really great that your wife has this side business and it's doing so well, but again, everything in life needs limits and boundaries, and it sounds like the business has outgrown and overgrown that original plan. I'm guessing since it started more like a side gig, there is no actual original plan. Businesses, especially successful ones, need plans. What is her plan? Does she have one? At what point does she hire other people instead of depending on you? At what point does the business move into a commercial space, rather than continue to take over your personal space? These are fair questions.

And it's nice to be a supportive spouse, but you also need to live your own life. If you want to help her, great. If you don't want to help her, no one should fault you for wanting to live your own life in a reasonable way.

The red flag that concerns me is that she used the threat of separation, presumably/potentially as a manipulation tactic to bring you back in line. That's a bit heavy handed, and might suggest that she's very focused on her wants, while not seeming to be able to take into account that you (and your child) have needs as well. That there are three of you who utilize that house as your homebase, and her use of it makes it difficult for you (and possibly your child) to use the home as a home.

I don't know the answer to your dilemna, but you probably need to express your concerns in a proactive way that might lay out some boundaries. It's absolutely fair to sit down with her, tell her how impressed you are with the business she's made, but that you're overwhelmed and need downtime and a home life too. It's okay to expect her to help make a plan that everyone in the house can be comfortable with.

Good luck

My neighbor caters & has a very successful gourmet catering business. It is her passion & has been long before they moved here. Passion drives her to work hard at what she is doing. If this is your wife's passion she deserves to follow it.....

HOWEVER.....it is not yours.....so my suggestion is that she find someone else who shares her passion & partner the business with that person. Being that you both work a full time job besides the catering, she can afford to partner with someone besides you & that does leave you free for the family time your child needs too. Win/win & with a partner who has same passion, the catering business can grow & hire people to help & deliver or serve at events.

I am pro business & pro following one's passion BUT I am pro it being done wisely because otherwise that is why so many small businesses fail.

You both deserve to follow your own passions & that needs to be worked out because as it stands now, it really isn't WORKING for you both

I agree with @ArmorPlate108. Well said!

Is it legal in your state to cook ;or prep) commercially in your own kitchen and sell food out of some kind of trailer? Did she have an inspection? Is she licensed? Did she get an approval? Is her business registered? In many states you can’t cook commercially in your own kitchen. Please look into it. You don’t want law suits on your hands if someone gets sick or something

Now I understand supporting each other passions. But it’s unrealistic and not sustainable to a degree you guys have it. If my husband decided to bring commercial appliances into our kitchen and fill our house with refrigerators and start selling food out of our home, it would never ever happen. Sorry my answer would be absolutely NO.

We support each other hobbies and we have space in our office and room in the basement where we pursue our interests. But it’s not taking over the house!

Your wife might need to rent commercial space and run kitchen out of there. But she can’t continue neglecting her child. She is only 9. She’s being left home alone all weekend? It might be labeled as child neglect. Unacceptable. I am sorry but if your wife wants to partake in this nonsense, it doesn’t mean you have to do the same. Please don’t leave your child alone.

So your wife might need to quit her day job. Then she can run her commercial cooking full time (in commercial space, not private residence)

I am also concerned that family doesn’t benefit from this craziness because money goes into wife’s account that you have no access to. It’s rather interesting. Makes me wonder if your wife has some type of agenda doing all this.

I agree about finding out what the agenda or and what the motivation behind starting it all is. I do not think you will crack this nut without figuring out what drives your wife's behavior.

9 year old home alone all weekend is most certainly neglect. In most (if not all) states child that young cannot be home alone all weekend. It’s not legal, not safe and it’s most certainly neglectful. Being fulfilled and supporting one’s spouse is great, but not if it means neglecting one’s child.

Your wife is emotionally disturbed. Your child is seriously neglected and will also wind up emotionally disturbed, if this insanity continues. Someone in this home has to be a responsible adult. That would have to be you. The real question is not whether or not you are crazy for not wanting to keep doing this. You need to get honest because you already know the answer to that question.

The real question is whether you're going to act responsibly, or whether you're going to keep finding excuses for continuing to enable this horror show. Tell us again how your child is your top priority, when you are leaving that 9 year old alone all weekend. Clearly, no one is making that child a priority.

Reading your initial post, I was quite horrified. That will not surprise you because you designed that post to have precisely that effect. That's why I say you already know the answer to your question. After telling us a bunch of stuff portraying your wife as completely nuts, were you hoping we would have a let's-hate-your-wife party? If so, what good would that do? You were also careful to include in your post a rationale for why there's nothing you can do because your wife threatens divorce. That, of course, would be hard on your child. So, gee whiz, you're in a real quandary, aren't you? No. you. are. not.

By all means, come here to talk about where you can go from here. Vent, if you like. But, please - for all your sakes - get honest. This circus needs the plug pulled on it. Dreams and passions and fulfillment are all well and good. However, adults have to take care of their responsibilities first.

Your wife is getting deeper and deeper into chaos mentally as well as in your home environment.
Stop helping her act crazy. This so called "business" of hers would collapse, if you weren't enabling it. It is not uncommon for mentally troubled people to have fantasies of being their own boss in their own business. I've known a few people like that. They always need for others to do a lot of the heavy lifting, while they do all this "dreaming" about their "passion." Not all "dreams" deserve support. Your wife is frantically seeking an escape from something. I don't know from what. But she is pursuing a doomed enterprise.

This cannot be the first time your wife has exhibited bizarre, badly organized, immature, irresponsible behavior. This kind of thing has to be part of a larger pattern. Maybe you'ld like to give us some context. Your post paints a relentlessly negative portrait of your wife. Somewhere behind all of that is a woman who is suffering from some psychological problem. It looks like you've known her for at least 20 years. So you must have some insight into that.

1. The child is not left alone.
2. The child has TWO parents.
3. If mom does not drop everything, then it is child neglect?! What about the other parent.
4. OP takes child out.
5. There is someone at home with the child.
6. Not entertaining a 9 year old, is not the same as neglect.
7.This is *not* the definition of child neglect.

Once again, people on here are SO eager to throw labels around.

This is a direct quote:

“The prep work makes so much mess in our home, and my wife has no time to help with chores around the house, we don’t get to spend time with our child, and they are often left at home all day alone during the weekends”

Of course there are two parents. That’s why I said they are both neglecting the child. And just because mom is out all weekend doesn’t mean dad must follow mom around leaving a child alone. Sometimes has to take responsibility. Sometimes it’s ok to make your spouse upset if it’s child safety concern

Who’s home with the child? He said he/she is alone all day.

That’s not about entertaining. It’s about safety and it falls into category of neglect (speaking from professional experience).

I understand that some people would find such arrangement ok. It sounds that you do. And it’s fine. But OP is clearly upset and concerned about kid being alone and neglected. If he wasn’t concerned, he’d not mention it

Quote:

There is someone at home with the child.

Except on "weekends" from the OP initial post.....but I agree, that is not child neglect because neglect is a complete pattern of not being there for the child. However if anything happened while they were gone it would be most likely considered "child endangerment" in the US......until age 13 when it is ok to leave them alone.

I had a few months where I had to leave our daughter home alone before she was 13 after school & before we got home from work after moving into the new home we bought in a new area & a new neighborhood. Better home alone in a locked home with phone close by than with someone I didn't know. Knew she was safer there.

The issue in the original post is more that he doesn't want to be part or her catering business & that is the REAL ISSUE that they need to resolve. If she wants the business then she needs to find a new business partner who really wants to do the work. Resolve that issue & the child issue will resolve itself. I do find that people tend to go off on rabbit trails rather tgan FOCUS on the foundational problem expressed by OP'S including this one