Advice about friendships and trust

I have a group of friends I've known for twenty years. They are a tight-knit group, but... I've been on the outskirts.

A long time ago, a good number of them betrayed me when I was in a vulnerable state. I tried to gloss it over and pretend it wasn't a big deal, but after that I emotionally closed off from pretty much any friendship. I still spent time with people because I was afraid of being alone, and I didn't fully realize that I kept people at a distance.

I'm finding it harder and harder to be in the company of my friends. It seems unfair to hold the past against them when I never expressed how deeply they'd hurt me in the first place. However, I wasn't consciously aware how much it affected me until a couple years ago, and I reflected on those events, examining my feelings about it honestly.

Every time I go to visit them, I feel a heaviness and a discomfort, and like I don't fit in with them anymore.

It just sucks. I thought I "forgave" them, but in letting those things go, I denied my experience, and denied the trust issues that came from it. I don't know how to move forward, or be close with anyone who I'd want as a friend.

From personal experience, keeping a wise distance is usually the best thing after something like that. Just remember "forgiveness" does not = going back to the way things were, it just means that you are not holding the anger for what happened inside yourself but letting that go for you. No where does "forgivness" mean that you don't be cautious around them in the future.

I have about 4/5 different groups of friends I do things with which means that none of the groups I am extremely close with but I totally do enjoy the activities we do together. Can be friends but independent at the same time & yes, at the fringe in all the groups because I as one person cannot & really don't want the demands that close group friendships require. I have my own farm responsibilities & those are my priorities.....but I do enjoy going & doing things with others when it fits into MY LIFE which is my priority.

Trust is built with time being around people. I usually give people initially a "benefit of the doubt", but never truly have trust until time passes & I get to know them. Once trust is broken it is never fully repaired. I have actually gotten tired of the work that some friendships require & I have just let them fade away. This is just life & there is reallt nothing wrong with that.

I look at life as seasons & some people are only in our life for a season. Seasons change & so do we.....let it happen cause you can't hold onto them & make them stay like they were

I love the concept of treating people who come and go in life as like seasons - what a great way of thinking. Lovely reply too, @eskielover.

It seems like you forgave them at the time, yet they weren’t aware of the hurt they caused, I wonder did they apologise or ask for forgiveness? Was there any discussion around the issue? Is it possible you might find a way to discuss what happened with them?

I think talking about what happened with them might help you understand more, about what happened between you. Maybe then you’ll feel happier moving forward.

If someone betrays you, that is not a friend. I would not trust anyone who betrayed me. And I would most certainly not label them a friend. Here it seems more than one person betrayed you. I would disengage from such a group.

It might help you get it off your heart, if you told whoever betrayed you the impact on you. Their response might help you either detach from this group who don't seem to be your people anyway or tolerate them (because trust has been broken pretty badly, already) if you need human connection.

As for new people or potential new friendships, give it time. Keep your distance and do not give your trust until it is earned.

If you’ve known them for over 20 years it seems a waste to cut them off now, especially over something that they don’t even know they are being judged for. Can you open a dialogue.. maybe there’s one person who’s easier to talk with that the others and then with that person you can let the others know how you feel.

Quote:

A long time ago, a good number of them betrayed me when I was in a vulnerable state.

By now it would be pointless bringing it up & stirring the pot being that it was "a long time ago". No one probably remembers the incedent. That is like bringing up something that happened "a long time ago" in a marriage. The point of doing it would be lost & might more be taken as you trying to stir up trouble.

Best to leave it in the past. Actions speak louder than words. If their actions are no longer like they were....just leave it, be cautious of a situation like that ever happening again & handle it in a better way if it does & if not, enjoy the people on a level where YOU FEEL THE MOST COMFORTABLE. Bringing up past from a "long time ago" usually only causes trouble