Low Self Worth From a History of Abusive Relationships

I've had a horrible string of abusive and/or bullying relationships - in my romantic life and at work. It's been ongoing since 2001. That's 24 years. I've had it, I'm at the end of my rope, and I have no self worth left.

At work, I've had about 5-6 bully bosses who have had it out for me. In romantic relationships, I've been badly abused by multiple people.

I learned that I had no boundaries in the past. I believe that this has allowed toxic men to be attracted to me and abuse me. I'm learning boundaries, but it's a challenging process.

I haven't dated in over a year and a half. I kept meeting abusers after my divorce from an abuser, so I took myself out of the dating pool altogether to focus on developing friendships.

And even in friendships since my divorce, I've had explosive endings with several females - I've only learned long after the fact, months after meeting them, that they are actually very toxic. I am trying to meet new people and forge new friendships since I have so few friends.

At work, I can lack confidence due to a fear of public speaking, but I am an overachiever, and I shine brightly in every role. My managers have typically been less intelligent, less competent, and less motivated than me, and I get repeatedly bullied.

I am currently being bullied by more than one person at work. My boss is bullying me, and now her colleague friend is too, just after I reported my boss to HR for bullying behavior. My boss's boss likes to give me a hard time whenever I pull or analyze data - his area of expertise. I can't say he bullies me, but he does give me a hard time sometimes.

And every time I think I've landed a great new job, the bullying happens all over again.

I have PTSD and that's a part of my fears in public speaking when at work. My PTSD arises so I have to just get myself through it. I don't speak up a lot in meetings or in group settings as a result of this.

I've attempted to get a therapist multiple times in the last 2 years since divorcing an abuser. I even tried to get a PTSD therapist, and the one I had after a few sessions said he couldn't help me. All doors closed on me, so I gave up. It was a futile effort.

Whenever I try to reach into my past for good and happy memories, they're hard to find. All I find is abuse in my past. And it's horrible. My past is a checkered past of broken relationships, abusive relationships, and bullying at work.

Last night I asked God to kill me in my sleep. Literally, I cannot take this anymore. No matter where I go in life and no matter who I meet, or how well I behave or perform at work, this happens to me.

And now, my self worth and self esteem are at an all-time low. I don't think I have anything left.

What do I do? How do I change this pattern?

Why do I keep attracting the same thing over and over again? Is it ME, or is it this world??

I'm a good and decent person. I am hard working, I am ethical, moral, and honest. I treat people with respect and kindness wherever I go.

At the same time, I've been a people pleaser most of my life, overly nice, and perfectionistic. I get very down on myself when I make mistakes. I have lacked self love a lot of my life. I am not kind to myself.

I am also very empathic, and can pick up others's deepest pain, emotions, and energy. I am perceptive with people, compassionate, and caring. I have a good heart and not a mean bone in my body. But if someone crosses me, betrays me,. or steps on me and disrespects me, I can get nasty in response. It's a defense mechanism from so much abuse.

Lately, I've been staring a lot into space whenever I become overwhelmed by these thoughts of my past and current history. My PTSD symptoms are alive and well.

I've tried to work on myself in the last year and a half since I stopped dating.

Besides learning stronger boundaries, how do I change? What do I change?

I'm truly at a loss.

I do feel for you. I wish I could offer some useful advice. I can relate to a lot of what you say, and the only thing that really helped me was face to face counselling, but it wasn’t a quick or easy process. It took me a while to come to terms with a lot of my issues.

I know you say you’ve tried multiple times to find a therapist, but are there any other avenues that may be open to you in this respect. There are a lot of therapists out there, good, bad and indifferent. I was lucky in finding two that worked for me. I would have been in a mess without them.

Please don’t give up.

Jeff.

Thank you for your support, my friend.

Regarding therapy - I just don't have the energy or stamina to try and find a therapist - yet again. It's exhausting. I am exhausted.

Maybe the answer is to somehow come to terms with my history, accept it and not talk about it with other people. It's such a horrific story, with so much abuse., who wants to hear that? No one. It's horrifying.