Coping with a needy person.

That's a really difficult situation
Personnally, it happened to me with my mom that loves to complain to me and it drains me
I'm close of my mom, I just told her honestly it drains me to hear her complain non stop, so I told her now I wouldn't listen if it's too long,that she should go to someone else
When she starts to complain, I listen in the beginning, but if I start to feel bad I tell her I can't listen longer
Hopefully what I said help a bit
I hope the situation will resolve soon

I think, maybe, you're right, and it's up to me to curtail how much I'll listen to. Listening is draining. It's not what she says, so much, as it is long-winded. She is also very sensitive and can take offense readily. I feel there is an element of risk in all of this.

It must be worse to go through this with a parent.

If she's sensitive, maybe tell her how much you appreciate her and that it's not against her, it's just you're not enough strong to handle her pain @Rose76

Well you could control how long are these conversations and how frequent.

You don’t need to pick up a phone every time people call. You could text back that you are unavailable and you’ll be able to talk on Monday morning for example. Or let it go to voice mail and call when you are up to it.

On the day when you do talk after sufficient time, say you have doctor appt at 2pm and need to get ready or maintenance coming to look at your leaky faucet or just say you need to take care of something. You don’t need to talk every time she wants to and for 2 hours.

Having said that, honesty is the best policy. And maybe making up scenarios is not nice…But there is no way to tell her that she’s pretty much overwhelming without hurting her feelings.

Just set boundaries and limits on how much and how often you are able to listen to her. Maybe it’s one hour once a month. So stick to whatever you can handle

I am with Divine. It seems yo be just the situation when a white lie about the leaky faucet is designed to protect your sanity and as such is justified.

Thanks, divine and Cherry. I do need to extricate myself from feeling trapped into these marathon calls. You're right: how long I stay on the phone is under my control. This gal tends to call in the evening, like around 9 p.m. She's a night owl - sleeps late and likes to be up half the night. I set a bad precedent by letting her keep me on the phone for a long spell when she first started calling me. The second time she called was early evening, and I said I had a meeting to go to, so I couldn't stay on the phone too long. There was no meeting, but it got me off the phone.

I don't mind occasional long chats, but her subject matter is so negative. Complaints and more complaints. She is a perpetual victim. She analyses what anyone says to her to see if she can find anything to take offense at. I know this because she tells me about exchanges she's had with others and how she felt criticized because the other party said this or that. It seems that nobody treats her right . . . according to her.

I guess I was hoping to get her to be less negative. I was hoping to get her to change. Hoping to change anyone is probably foolish.

You absolutely cannot change other people and how other people do things. You can only change how you do things such as not answering the phone when you aren’t up to it and keeping it to a minimum (if you don’t want to fully cut her out)

Now if she asks for advice how to be less negative, you could definitely share some ideas. Just like we share ideas and trying to help on here IF people ask for help. That’s the only thing you could really do

Hi Rose,

Have you been able to extricate yourself from the marathon calls, or at least shorten their duration, make them more like sprints?

TCJ

The calls have slowed down. They're still kind of long, but I feel like it's manageable now. I feel less stressed because I remind myself that it's not up to me to solve her problems. She is still very negative, but I listen without trying to argue. I just agree with her that life is hard.

Some people are not really looking for solutions. It seems like they wouldn't know what else to talk about, if they weren't singing the blues. I'm "blue" a lot, myself, but I do have good days. This gal seldom does. I don't find her to have many interests. During her last call, she told me about another relative who had "blocked" her phone number. I guess she drives people to that. Hopefully, I can avoid such unpleasantness.

One advantage of AI chatbots over humans lies in their measureless patience...

Thanks, divine. It's often easy to see where another person is really screwed up in their thinking, and it makes me want to suggest an alternative way of looking at a situation that has upset them. I get tempted into thinking that, maybe, I can enlighten them in some way that will make them feel better. Usually, this doesn't work, but the temptation remains.

She was telling me about another relative of ours who gave her some really good advice that she took offense at. I tried convincing her that the advice was well meant and would be good for her to think about. I didn't make a dent in her thinking. What she always wants is for me to "take her side" and tell her how awful others are treating her and how she's the better person. I like to validate others when I honestly can, but I can see where she's driving herself nuts with her victim mentality.

She has an elderly parent who needs a bit of help now and then. Her main complaint is that her siblings do next to nothing, while she runs over readily whenever needed. I believe what she says. It sounds unfair, but it is what it is.

Her core problem seems to be that the parent praises the siblings and puts them on pedestals, while never appreciating anything that she does. It does sound to me like this really is the family dynamic. (Not an unusual situation.) It sounds like she has a serious self-esteem issue that goes back to the parent putting her down all her life. I hear that she's in real emotional pain. When I say something nice, like how I admire her for being there for her mom, I hear her voice choking up . . . like she is starving for a pat on the head. One time she texted me about her going to a nearby city and having a good day there and doing interesting things. I responded that it sounded fun and how I'ld like to spend a day in that city with her next time I'm in her part of the world. Next day, she texted back that reading my message made her cry and how she can't wait till I visit. There's a childlike quality to her that moves me. But it is also apparent that she is emotionally troubled. Now and then, she mentions talking with a counselor, so I think she's in therapy. She mentions friends and is in a long-term relationship with someone who sounds loving. So it's not like she is socially isolated. She also warmly expresses love for the parent who seems to withhold affection from her.

Her recurring theme is how unhelpful her siblings are and how much she detests them. I keep reminding her that she can't change them or her mother. Kind of ironic, since I've been trying to change her . . . and getting nowhere. I guess I need to set a better example of "accepting what can't be changed." Another wrinkle to her story is that, when she meets people she likes, she quickly tells them that she was molested as a child by a sibling. She's told me and others in the family. Her story is very credible. But she brings this up inappropriately.

The calls are not too frequent now and not so long. So I feel like I'm getting a handle on dealing with her.

It sounds as though you’ve done a lot of listening but I’m wondering has she been listening to you? I know you’ve had your challenges too, and from what you’ve written she sounds like she’s got more support in her life than you have. Do you get to talk about you/your life too?

You are very perceptive. I have listened to a lot. She listens too. She seems warm hearted, but she is so needy of solace that her own pain tends to take center stage most of the time. It wears me out, so I'm glad that the calls are not coming real often. She knows I am struggling at times and tells me to call her anytime, if I need someone to talk to. I don't hardly ever initiate calls with her. I have to take care of myself, but she seems to have always lived dependent on her parents and her boyfriend. It doesn't sound like she has worked much. Her latest complaint is that she wants her boyfriend to get a second job, so they can be more financially secure. She doesn't work. I'm starting to have less sympathy for her because it doesn't sound like she puts a lot of effort into anything.

Another thing has occurred to me. Her problems are likely to get worse with time. I'm not into drama the way she is. I need to be careful of precedents I set with her, if I don't want her using me as a crying towel when her life unravels more, as I expect it will.

When she first started contacting me, I was kind of hopeful that this could be a nice friendship. I seem to attract people who will never give as much as they'll take. This has happened repeatedly in my life. I don't think every relationship has to be exactly 50/50. But I'm starting to think I get spotted as some poor fool who is available to be glommed onto and used. I guess I get afraid that, if I'm not meeting the needs of others, I'll have no one in my life. There's gotta be a healthier way to relate.