Am I right to be bitter?

EglantineRose · 06:05 PM

So, there was this guy who would 'ask me out' through a mutual friend etc. every once in a while. He 'asked me out for coffee' once through this person, asked me to go to events. I guess I sort of felt uncomfortable given that he never asked me directly.

We know who each other are because we've seen each other out in public multiple times. Admittedly we had some pretty strong eye contact, so there was definitely a bit of a connection.

Last year he sent me a friend request on Facebook. But he was silent on there. I mean, we've never actually met so I understand how awkward it can be to try to start up a conversation with someone on social media, but we had a mutual friend, another girl, who he would always go out of his way to like her pictures and posts. I noticed this by chance because her posts were in my news feed all the time.

Thankfully I'm not on social media anymore, so that's not something I have to deal with.

Also he's not that young. He's 40 now and I am in my 30s.

Anyways, I've heard that he's been very friendly with other women on the job, etc. But to me it felt like he was teasing me. And I've been bitter about that, but I want to move on.

I'm worried that he's going to show up somewhere or try with the same insincere gesture again, and I am quite honestly just sick of it. I don't even really want to date anyone right now, but part of me wishes that I would meet someone else just so that I could stop all the nonsense.

Like I said, I understand being shy or scared to ask someone out, but I guess it feels like he treats all these other people like gold but doesn't see me as worthy of making the effort for, so I want to find someone who will. Maybe not now, but eventually.
It's hurtful because I've gone my whole life not being valued by other people, so I definitely want the man that I'm trying to get to know/with eventually to view me as worth it.

Tart Cherry Jam · Apr 04, 2026, 06:45 PM

I do not think this warrants bitterness, but if you feel disappointed, that would seem a proportionate response. But look, this man has highlighted for you how you want to be treated, by demonstrating how you dislike being treated. That is a worthwhile lesson.

EglantineRose · 07:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tart Cherry Jam

I do not think this warrants bitterness, but if you feel disappointed, that would seem a proportionate response. But look, this man has highlighted for you how you want to be treated, by demonstrating how you dislike being treated. That is a worthwhile lesson.

Yeah like, people have the right to not pursue someone if they don't think that they are a match or whatever, and I'm sure that I'll find someone who will meet the qualities that I need. I'm just upset because I think he should have focused on the people that he liked rather than sending mixed signals to me. It doesn't reflect well on his character, and to make it worse, he's in a prominent public role (at the local level.)
I hope that he meets someone who is the right match for him, and I hope I do too.

divine1966 · Apr 05, 2026, 02:53 AM

Since you only run into each other publicly but never actually met and had a conversation, I’d treat him as a complete stranger and try not to give him any thought.

It might be a blessing that he never spoke to you directly because he might be a very bad fit or not even a good person. I’d try not to bother about him. There’s no way to know what’s on his mind and what’s really going on. I doubt he’s shy since he’s in a prominent public role. He might be a player or just careless person

Have Hope · Apr 05, 2026, 04:45 AM

You feel how you feel and you have every right to your feelings. I can relate to wanting someone treat you like you're valued. I would just distance myself from him. Maybe even unfriend him so you don't have to watch him flirting with other women. It's no skin off your back. You don't owe him friendship, or a Facebook connection. You can disconnect and that is totally fine for your own self preservation.

EglantineRose · Apr 05, 2026, 05:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

Since you only run into each other publicly but never actually met and had a conversation, I’d treat him as a complete stranger and try not to give him any thought.

It might be a blessing that he never spoke to you directly because he might be a very bad fit or not even a good person. I’d try not to bother about him. There’s no way to know what’s on his mind and what’s really going on. I doubt he’s shy since he’s in a prominent public role. He might be a player or just careless person

Absolutely. The problem is that our mutual aquaintance has been bringing him up for years and will not stop bringing him up, even though I'm clearly doing my best not to engage with it. She mentioned him one day and I was like "I don't know him." She almost seems mad that I have lost interest and am not fond of the way that he behaves.

Yeah I already know that we have major lifestyle differences. I really wish that I'd never been deluded like I was about him and hope that I can move forward and build an actual relationship with someone much more deserving of my time. It just feels like such a waste of my time, and I'm going to be really upset if he shows up somewhere again.

EglantineRose · Apr 05, 2026, 05:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope

You feel how you feel and you have every right to your feelings. I can relate to wanting someone treat you like you're valued. I would just distance myself from him. Maybe even unfriend him so you don't have to watch him flirting with other women. It's no skin off your back. You don't owe him friendship, or a Facebook connection. You can disconnect and that is totally fine for your own self preservation.

Fortunately, I haven't been on social media for almost a year, so no having to worry about him ignoring me anymore. It was definitely a relief for me to be the one to basically make the communication impossible. But I still think about it because I've been keeping it inside, but it bothers me. I'm just excited to meet my dream man eventually. I have a type in mind who is nothing like him lol. 😊

Have Hope · Apr 05, 2026, 05:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by EglantineRose

Fortunately, I haven't been on social media for almost a year, so no having to worry about him ignoring me anymore. It was definitely a relief for me to be the one to basically make the communication impossible. But I still think about it because I've been keeping it inside, but it bothers me. I'm just excited to meet my dream man eventually. I have a type in mind who is nothing like him lol. 😊

That is good then. Maybe it's not just him, but what he represents that is making you bitter? You had said you haven't been treated well your whole life, which I can relate very well to. It seems perhaps this incident with this man triggers something in you that runs deeper - a sense that not many people have treated you right and wanting that to turn around. This man is representative of yet someone else in the long line of people who have mistreated you.

I have a very similar situation, and I know it's not easy to deal with the fact that not many people give you the love, honor, and respect you deserve.

I don't think too many people in this world are capable of that. There are certainly good people out there, but in my 55 years of life, I have found that there seem to be too many toxic types of people and the good ones seem to be few and far between. When I find a good one, I hold on for dear life because I know they don't come along often.

So my advice to you is to stick around the people who DO treat you right. Keep them close and cherish them. FInd more of those people if you can. And in the meantime, yes, hope and dream for the man you DO want. Same with me. I am holding onto the hope he exists.. if I didn't, there would be nothing left for me to hope for. And it's not just fantasy - these men do exist somewhere.. some man out there is searching for you just as you are searching for him. And when the timing is right, he will appear. In the meantime, enjoy your life. Live your life to the fullest, and find joy in everyday living. Love will come. It just takes patience.

EglantineRose · Apr 06, 2026, 01:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope

That is good then. Maybe it's not just him, but what he represents that is making you bitter? You had said you haven't been treated well your whole life, which I can relate very well to. It seems perhaps this incident with this man triggers something in you that runs deeper - a sense that not many people have treated you right and wanting that to turn around. This man is representative of yet someone else in the long line of people who have mistreated you.

I have a very similar situation, and I know it's not easy to deal with the fact that not many people give you the love, honor, and respect you deserve.

I don't think too many people in this world are capable of that. There are certainly good people out there, but in my 55 years of life, I have found that there seem to be too many toxic types of people and the good ones seem to be few and far between. When I find a good one, I hold on for dear life because I know they don't come along often.

So my advice to you is to stick around the people who DO treat you right. Keep them close and cherish them. FInd more of those people if you can. And in the meantime, yes, hope and dream for the man you DO want. Same with me. I am holding onto the hope he exists.. if I didn't, there would be nothing left for me to hope for. And it's not just fantasy - these men do exist somewhere.. some man out there is searching for you just as you are searching for him. And when the timing is right, he will appear. In the meantime, enjoy your life. Live your life to the fullest, and find joy in everyday living. Love will come. It just takes patience.

I don't really have people in my life who genuinely care and I probably never have.

I've had three wonderful pets who have been by my side through it all. I had a shih tzu who I lost in 2015. Then I lost my cat in 2025, who I had since 2006. Everything started to go downhill after he passed, including ruminating about this man.

My cat was a really great source of comfort and little friend. I miss him so much. I have adored all my fur babies, but we had a really close bond in his later years. This was definitely not a bond I was ready to let go of, but he left me suddenly. I've been angry at pretty much everyone since he died.

I have a little Maltese girl who is now my only pet and good friend. She needs me to take care of her, to take her on walking adventures and give her treats and food. She definitely brings purpose to my life.

Have Hope · Apr 06, 2026, 02:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by EglantineRose

I don't really have people in my life who genuinely care and I probably never have.

I've had three wonderful pets who have been by my side through it all. I had a shih tzu who I lost in 2015. Then I lost my cat in 2025, who I had since 2006. Everything started to go downhill after he passed, including ruminating about this man.

My cat was a really great source of comfort and little friend. I miss him so much. I have adored all my fur babies, but we had a really close bond in his later years. This was definitely not a bond I was ready to let go of, but he left me suddenly. I've been angry at pretty much everyone since he died.

I have a little Maltese girl who is now my only pet and good friend. She needs me to take care of her, to take her on walking adventures and give her treats and food. She definitely brings purpose to my life.

Aw, I'm so sorry you lost two of your beloved pets. That's a deep cut to the heart and soul and is hard to recover from. I'm glad you have your Maltese for a fur baby friend. At least you have her to comfort you.

I reach for my own kitty for comfort a lot these days, so I understand the feeling.

It's hard to find valuable people who truly care. I can relate.

Try not to dwell on thoughts of this guy, though I understand that can be very hard when you're alone and feeling lonely. I still dwell on thoughts of my ex husband, even though we divorced 3 years ago and he is remarried to another woman now. It's hard to let go of disappointment sometimes.

But you cannot control others' behaviors and their treatment of you is always a reflection of their character, not a reflection on you as a person. Remember that.

EglantineRose · Apr 07, 2026, 12:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope

Aw, I'm so sorry you lost two of your beloved pets. That's a deep cut to the heart and soul and is hard to recover from. I'm glad you have your Maltese for a fur baby friend. At least you have her to comfort you.

I reach for my own kitty for comfort a lot these days, so I understand the feeling.

It's hard to find valuable people who truly care. I can relate.

Try not to dwell on thoughts of this guy, though I understand that can be very hard when you're alone and feeling lonely. I still dwell on thoughts of my ex husband, even though we divorced 3 years ago and he is remarried to another woman now. It's hard to let go of disappointment sometimes.

But you cannot control others' behaviors and their treatment of you is always a reflection of their character, not a reflection on you as a person. Remember that.

Yes I will definitely be letting him go.
Honestly.. I think I have a better chance of meeting someone else than he does anyway. The girls that he's friendly with.. aren't interested in him besides friendship. Or aquaintances.

I totally feel like I was treated like a joke by this person, which is how my own family treats me too.
I'm really sorry to bother you with my problems, but last night I was sitting around just wishing I had my cat with me again for comfort. I love all my pets, but he was my best buddy.

PriyaForHerself · Apr 07, 2026, 10:31 PM

The indirect pursuit thing would bother me too, honestly. There's something that feels a bit off about a 40-year-old man who can't just... ask you himself. Using a mutual friend as a go-between is fine when you're 19 and terrified, but at some point it starts to feel less like shyness and more like he wants plausible deniability if you say no.

And the social media thing, adding you but staying quiet while actively engaging with someone else's posts, that's a weird dynamic to sit with. You're not imagining it. I think your gut picked up on something real there, even if you can't fully name it yet. Leaving social media sounds like it was genuinely good for you in this case.

Have Hope · Yesterday, 01:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by EglantineRose

Yes I will definitely be letting him go.
Honestly.. I think I have a better chance of meeting someone else than he does anyway. The girls that he's friendly with.. aren't interested in him besides friendship. Or aquaintances.

I totally feel like I was treated like a joke by this person, which is how my own family treats me too.
I'm really sorry to bother you with my problems, but last night I was sitting around just wishing I had my cat with me again for comfort. I love all my pets, but he was my best buddy.

I understand missing your best fur baby friend.

It sounds like this man was a trigger for you, hitting something deeper that happens with your family, which is likely why this hit you as hard as it did.

That's the real issue at hand - feeling like you're being treated like a 'joke'. But that's just one version of a narrative. Another version is the truer version, which is you are not a joke and people should be taking you more seriously.

My dad did not treat me right so I had to build my self esteem myself. Sounds like you may need to work on your self esteem. The way your family treats you is not reflective of who you truly are - it's a reflection on them, not on you.

EglantineRose · Yesterday, 04:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PriyaForHerself

The indirect pursuit thing would bother me too, honestly. There's something that feels a bit off about a 40-year-old man who can't just... ask you himself. Using a mutual friend as a go-between is fine when you're 19 and terrified, but at some point it starts to feel less like shyness and more like he wants plausible deniability if you say no.

And the social media thing, adding you but staying quiet while actively engaging with someone else's posts, that's a weird dynamic to sit with. You're not imagining it. I think your gut picked up on something real there, even if you can't fully name it yet. Leaving social media sounds like it was genuinely good for you in this case.

Yes it's definitely left me with a bad impression of him. I wonder if maybe because these girls are not romantic interests (I've seen the type of guys that our mutual friend dates, so I know that her type is much different) he doesn't feel like it's as much of a risk to interact with them because there's less at stake.

Regardless, I hope he takes it as a lesson to take people more seriously when he's trying to get to know them the next time, because people can only tolerate so much. But I know it won't be me he's getting to know.

EglantineRose · Yesterday, 04:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope

I understand missing your best fur baby friend.

It sounds like this man was a trigger for you, hitting something deeper that happens with your family, which is likely why this hit you as hard as it did.

That's the real issue at hand - feeling like you're being treated like a 'joke'. But that's just one version of a narrative. Another version is the truer version, which is you are not a joke and people should be taking you more seriously.

My dad did not treat me right so I had to build my self esteem myself. Sounds like you may need to work on your self esteem. The way your family treats you is not reflective of who you truly are - it's a reflection on them, not on you.

Oh yeah, speaking of cats. This guy made a comment about outdoor cats basically being bullies and "eating all the birds." 😆 I obviously love cats, had a great bond with my first baby and would love to get another by the end of the year. The man im with must appreciate cats AND dogs.

Yeah I just hope that he finds other people to take an interest in and doesn't ask about me anymore.

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