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  #1  
Old Today, 01:43 AM
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MuddyBoots MuddyBoots is offline
Where am I?
 
Member Since: Sep 2020
Location: Live Free or Die!
Posts: 8,985
He has systematically over the past just month made it so I can’t show my face at my apartment building, locked my phone for 8 days while I stayed with him (but kept in contact with my treatment team telling them he was taking care of me), and the initial lovebombing that I so so fell for again has devolved into his personal brand of “sounds like a compliment in the moment hits like an insult ten minutes later” again.

But today I was good and earned my phone back and actually most of the day alone in my studio (am there now). I’m actually proud because of how useful I was to earn this. It felt good, but also being alone feels DEADLY. I feel like I’m in withdrawal.

I don’t want out of the relationship because I know it’s one I won’t put behind me (tried), I have zero romantic/physical attraction to this man but I still feel like if something changed, if I just had the right perspective, if I didn’t fk up so much, it wouldn’t be so hard.
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Something’s always coming you can hear it in the ground
It swells into the air with the rising, rising sound
And never comes, but shakes the boards and rattles all the doors
What are we waiting for?

What are we waiting for?
Hugs from:
Have Hope, unaluna

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  #2  
Old Today, 02:26 AM
Have Hope's Avatar
Have Hope Have Hope is offline
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Member Since: Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
Posts: 10,269
I am gathering this is an abusive relationship from this one post alone. I don't understand - staying is masochistic and is basically agreeing to your own early death. This man kept you and locked your phone up and you say that this is acceptable and that you want to stay with him? I have to ask the question: are you masochistic?

There is no way to make an abusive relationship better. He will always be abusive and there is no magic answer to stop it from happening, even when on your best behavior.

What happened after you've tried to leave the relationship? If you have no attraction to him physically, then what are you getting out of this relationship? What is the tradeoff?

I don't think anyone here in the community would encourage you to stay in an abusive situation with a man.

Leaving is hard, but not impossible. I've done it... many times out of abusive situations.
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"Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination"

~4 Non Blondes
  #3  
Old Today, 03:59 AM
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MuddyBoots MuddyBoots is offline
Where am I?
 
Member Since: Sep 2020
Location: Live Free or Die!
Posts: 8,985
Like I said, the loneliness feels deadly.

We’ve been on/off for forever. When we’re apart every face I see is his and it freaks me out. I couldn’t stand it.

I am masochistic but I do wish I had never met him.
__________________
Something’s always coming you can hear it in the ground
It swells into the air with the rising, rising sound
And never comes, but shakes the boards and rattles all the doors
What are we waiting for?

What are we waiting for?
  #4  
Old Today, 05:29 AM
Have Hope's Avatar
Have Hope Have Hope is offline
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Member Since: Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
Posts: 10,269
Quote:
Originally Posted by MuddyBoots View Post
Like I said, the loneliness feels deadly.

We’ve been on/off for forever. When we’re apart every face I see is his and it freaks me out. I couldn’t stand it.

I am masochistic but I do wish I had never met him.
I think a worse death is from prolonged, long-term abuse. Life is so much better on the other side of abuse. But it's your choice, and you're choosing to stay in a situation where you are being harmed. No one can help resolve the abuse or change his behavior. His behaviors will not ever improve or change, no matter what you do.

Yes, it can be lonely being single - there's no denying that. I'd. much rather be lonely than abused, personally. You gather your strength and you move forward, anyways. I have done it, so can you.
__________________
"Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination"

~4 Non Blondes
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