Blow up with a friend

Honestly, I would set firm boundaries with her at this stage. When she calls and you can't pick up and she texts giving you crap about it, tell her, I am busy and I will call you back when I am available. On giving you crap, I would confront it directly: I will pick up the phone when I can, but don't expect me to always be available and stop giving. me crap for when I am not available. I do not deserve to. be given crap about it, so please STOP or I will be a lot less enthused to speak with you.

About the work, I would tell her directly: you asked me for work so I gave you work. I will not give you work if you are not willing to do it. I expect you to do the work I give you because you asked for it. If you can't follow through, I will not give you any projects to do.

Be direct and be firm with your limits and boundaries. That's my two cents!

I hate to be direct... one reason I put it off so long.

I know she will take that -- that I am mad with her. One reason I put it off so long.

You know... I am not even upset. I knew from the day I started talking with her that it would end this way. I just hoped she would get the hint and slow down herself. But no.

Good luck! I agree it sounds like boundaries need setting, but if she doesn’t respect that then you can look at it again.

A key lesson I have learned in my own journey in life is that we cannot be afraid to make someone angry at us simply for drawing a firm boundary that is for oue own mental health, sanity, or peace of mind. Drawing boundaries can and does upset people, but at what expense then do YOU suffer for not saying anything and for allowing the behavior to continue? I encourage you to consider this perspective.

And what will I suffer when I have an enemy in the workplace who knows all my secrets?

She probably is my enemy now anyway.

You can set firm boundaries and still be kind. Setting a limit or boundary does not have to be done in a mean-spirited way. It can just be stated firmly, yet with understanding and compassion. I probably should have included that as well in my suggestions. There's a way to be both firm and understanding. I still encourage you to address it and draw boundaries the next time it comes up.

.. for instance, a kind way to state your boundary would be: Please don't harsh on me because I am not available right when you need me to be. I will call as soon as I am available to chat, but I ask for your patience and understanding when I am busy and cannot pick up the phone right away.

So, I revise my initial recommendation. You can be both soft and firm at the same time.

Are you actual friends like see each other outside of work? Or you just talk on the phone and associate with at work?

How important is this friendship? I do work with my friend. We are huge part of each other lives outside of work. Our friendship is more important to me than what we do at work.

If this friendship isn’t very important, then just keep it professional. No need to be on the phone every night. Just don’t be.

Now if you afraid she’ll reveal your secrets (what secrets? Most people’s lives aren’t that exciting), then it’s even better reason to wrap this friendship up. Not a good idea to be friends with people who potentially reveal your secrets if something goes sideways.

We have done things outside of work but not frequently. Like 1x every 5 years.

I just don't think it is smart to have someone in the workplace upset with you. So I am trying not to have that happen but... if I can't even not talk to her ONE NIGHT... without the "are you mad" than perhaps this is the way it has to be.

Her thinking you are mad at her not talking on the phone daily, is her problem, not yours.

Most, if not all, adults cannot talk to coworkers on the phone every day. People come home to take care of their families, or chores or hobbies or are too tired and need to simply unwind in whatever people prefer: like watch tv or read or sit outside or walk their dog.

No one is required to rearrange their evening to keep coworkers happy.

Now yes I agree it’s not smart to have coworkers mad at you. But it might not be smart to spend your life pleasing others either. Especially if you aren’t in a deep and meaningful committed relationship/friendship with these people. That’s why I asked how important is this friendship? Not as a coworker, as a friend?

True friends would not demand this nonsense. I know my work friends are busy at home and even if I had nothing to do, I’d not be calling them.

Honestly if I had to choose between making a coworker mad or talk with them every day after work, I choose to get them mad.

That's why you should never share your deepest, most private secrets with coworkers, or even really become too close with coworkers, unless they were already a friend beforehand, OR you know fully that you can trust them.

This is precisely why... because it can backfire and place you in the position you are currently in. I'm not coming down on you for it - it's just something to be learned. It is never good to be so revealing about your personal life with coworkers. Keep work and personal stuff separate, is the general rule of thumb.

I have had interactions with people like this. I would do a slow fade, answer her texts with a short pleasantry and then text that you have x, y, or z to do and have to go. I would not answer any of the phone calls. It's more difficult when they can hear your voice and discern your frustration. Texts can also give you time to think. On my phone (iPhone) I have a feature that allows me to stop the send read receipts for each individual person in my contact list. It helped me with a person who was attempting to bully their way into my personal life. Sometime during the workday, you can mention that you have a very busy night ahead of you. Giving her a heads up will help a lot. Just back away from her slowly.

I would definitely not give her work to do, unless you are her supervisor. She can use that against you later by claiming that you made her do your work. I had a coworker try to pull that on me after she grabbed up some of my paperwork and took off to her desk with it. I was stunned! She said the same thing... she was bored and just helping me out. I started keeping my work in a locked drawer. I later discovered that she went to my boss and told her that I was shoving my work off on her. That was the end of our 'friendship'. I am mentioning this as a caution to you.

There are times when you cannot have a reasonable conversation with someone. My ex-coworker escalated conversations to her advantage and I was so thankful when she was transferred to a different department. I try to never say anything to my coworkers that I wouldn't want the whole office to know. I have learned to keep my business life professional and my home life private. It was a very painful journey but it's just not worth the heartache of being betrayed. I wish you well in future interactions with her.

Just to clarify... it wasn't my deepest darkest secrets. Just things like that me and my sister don't talk anymore and of course... at Thanksgiving everyone asks what I am doing and I say going there. She knows we don't talk. Stuff like that.

There will be no more working going her way but if it was a her against me situation everyone would side with me. She has a horrible reputation at work. Some deserved, some not.

No phone call tonight so perhaps she got the hint.

That's good then.. you really didn't reveal anything that would reflect negatively upon you IF she did share your secrets. Many people don't talk to certain family members - that can be very common and isn't anything to judge a person negatively for.

I am not surprised to hear she has a negative reputation at work. She seems or comes across to me as really toxic.

I would distance myself as best as you can, is my suggestion. I suggest holding her more at arms length, not revealing anything additional that is personal to your life, and just keeping her at a distance.

When we distance ourselves from toxic people, our lives become more peaceful and easier to manage. Hopefully she will get the hint if you keep her at a distance.

I am glad to hear she didn't call and maybe is already picking up on your energy towards her.

Yes. She is going today for a job where, if she gets it, I likely will have nothing to do with her - it is in an extremely remote location. It is a second interview so there is a possibility and given that not a lot of people want the job.

If she gets it... and takes it... (there is some possibility she is already considering not taking it) it will basically be my job but not as busy. I can't wait to see her doing that job again. She has forgotten how busy the job is.

Currently she has a job where she does absolutely nothing. One real reason is that she is just not reliable.

So she did text me yesterday to tell me about how the interview went. I told her that I hope she got it and that I would expect a quick decision. She texted a few other lines but I didn't respond. She didn't call so perhaps she is getting it. She is off for a week long vacation so perhaps this will be a natural break.

I guess I do have a problem though. I was on vacation today and we have work "board" that says where you are. So mine said "out of office" as opposed to telework. And another co worker called me on my personal phone to complain about work. (a lot of people got that during the pandemic) I picked up assuming some emergency and explained to her I was not working. So she did her complaining and hung up. Then about 20 minutes later... when I told her I was at a hardware store... she calls again. I didn't pick it up.

My gosh. Apparently when people want to complain they think nothing of barging into my life.

So I came home and took off all notifications from my phone and computer. If I get a text I will find it when I look at my phone not get a notification.

So she didn't get the job. Honestly I think that is a good thing. She gets paid a lot of money to basically do nothing and has 6 more years until retirement.

But she called to cry and moan and I am on vacation so I didn't pick up.

She Texts.. are you talking to me?

And I told her yes but I wanted to cut back on the phone and we would talk when she gets back. She said understood.

I am sorry I can't be there for her in her hour of need but what is there to talk about. When she first said she going to be applying I told her she wouldn't get it... (I am not being unsupportive the people hiring just will not hire her) she knows that.. I think she needs to make peace with where she is and learn how to deal with the next 6 years.

You have my sympathy. I can relate because I've tended to be a magnet for needy people and have learned how unhealthy that can be. You have a dilemma on your hands because there is no easy way out of this relationship, but your sanity requires that you radically alter the way you interact with this co-worker. Stop referring to her as a friend. That's not what she is. She's a leech. Let's be polite and call her an "aquaintance."

There's some great advice in the posts above. Maybe I can add something. You have 2 issues going on. One is micro, and one is macro. The micro is your unhappy involvement with this person, who sounds hideous to me. That, however, is a symptom of a larger issue - what I call the macro level issue. That would be your vulnerability to getting used by such a person. Why do you think she picked you - of all the people she meets at work - to call every evening? Or is she incessantly calling others? I doubt that. Something about you gave her the impression that you could be used, as a source of attention. That's your macro problem.

Possibly, you are kind and thought her befriending you was a nice thing. Rejecting her pushiness seemed too cruel, so you went along with it. I hope you learned, as I am learning, that not everyone who tries to connect with you on a personal level has good intentions. Believing that is naive. People like her are shrewd and know what they're doing. She figured you for someone she could take advantage if. So she moved in. Even if you manage to peel her off from glomming on to you, you will run into others like her and repeat this experience, unless you analyze the role you play in leaving yourself open to this kind of exploitation - which is what it is.

As pointed out above, you lack sufficient boundaries. (Me too.) No normal person wants any aquaintance to be calling up every night. You tolerated that because it seemed like the nice way to be. It seemed harmless. Now you know better. Maybe you don't have a big social network of true friends. So, maybe, you figured you had room in your life for this new relationship. Now, she's crowding you. So there's much you can learn from this.

The bad news is there is no easy way to get out of this. But you can get out of it. It may well involve some unpleasantness, but unloading this person from your life will be worth it. Dumping her suddenly may seem too extreme to you and be against your nature. An alternative is to back away more gradually. I'ld suggest making yourself boring to her. Stop showing interest in what she wants to tell you. Shorten the length of the phone calls, and don't pick up as often. She probably will catch on that you are backing away from her, and she will resent it. Too bad. That's her problem. It won't feel pleasant to you, but you'll get over the discomfort.

If you're a sensitive person, who hates to cause discomfort to others, you'll suffer a bit. That's ok. It won't kill you. You have no moral obligation to let someone else's comfort be such a big priority, that you'll put up with any imposition. As you learn to say No, you'll get better at it. It will start to come easier.

Then there's the worry about her spreading around your private business. That's a valid concern. If she does, she does. It does not sound like she can do you much damage. If you worry excessively about that, you are in the same position as a person being blackmailed. It's no way to live.

My guess is that I am the target because I am single. Full Stop. Everyone else she would normally glob on to has significant others so they would have a reason built in for her not to call.

I am not going to be too hard on her since in some senses I think she thinks she is gratifying me -- because of course -- being an extrovert she cannot conceive of spending a night alone. And at first it was work related because during the pandemic information was scattered. And of course.. every once and a while it is lovely to have a friend. But not every weeknight for two hours... and not so she can almost exclusively talk about herself.

She went on vacation and when she gets back I will probably call her and hopefully have a productive conversation about it.

Let us know how that goes.