Relationship problems/child custody

Hi,

I have had problems for years in my relationship with arguments, toxic environment, laziness and extreme judgement and psychological bullying from my partner. I can't bear to not see my children every day so I've put up with it.

Well, a few weeks ago, my girlfriend said she wanted to end it and I psychologically checked out on the relationship. She's since changed her mind and I haven't.

I hope you don't judge me too harshly, I'm a good person and never cheated but as I felt so lonely in this town without my parents and with facing being without my children, I joined a dating site.

I started talking to a woman and we gained a nice rapport but I had to tell her I'm not available yet as I haven't moved out yet. She agreed to stay in contact as a 'pen pal' as she put it. Rightfully she said she couldn't get involved at the moment. I asked when I move out if she wants to date. She said she doesn't want to jump into anything but wants to get to know each other, we have had a phone call and text everyday.

My girlfriend as mentioned earlier changed her mind. I told her I hadn't but as she got emotional I felt extreme guilt and told her I still cared even though I still want to end it. It was weakness on my part as a someone who hates to see someone upset and heartbroken.

So I still need to tell her that I want to end it. I am terrified of not seeing my kids everyday as I have no parents here I would be very lonely and it would make me suicidal to be without them. I struggle with extreme depression and low confidence. I've gotten myself into a big rut where I continue to live unhappily in a bad relationship.

As for the woman that I really liked, I guess I've messed things up there too with my situation. Why does she continue to contact me everyday? How do I cope without my kids? How do I control my emotions when I'm in psychological free fall. When I am depressed every minute feels like eternity.

I know I appear as a bad person, with the dating site thing, I just feel so lost and alone.