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#1
Jun 06, 2025, 10:34 PM
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As my therapy sessions continued the subject matter we discussed got deeper & deeper, darker & darker - and there were many questions, always something new, always questions that were revisited as I tried to make sense of it all !
My wife is my rock, and I love and trust her implicitly. This trust is the sole reason I was able to introduce her to my world of **** play.
Possible trigger:
During a recent conversation about dominant and submissive roles in our relationship, she finally understood my perspective, saying to the effect of: "I get it— if you were gay, then you'd only ever be a bottom, never a top' !" I knew I wanted to see her in the dominant role while I assumed a submissive one. But why? Was it to strengthen, test, or diminish our relationship, or does it even matter? At that time, she didn’t fully grasp the concept of role play. I encouraged her to be the dominatrix, allowing me to take on a submissive role and challenging her to accept this dynamic, to punish, abuse, or degrade me as I willed her to do. What role was she playing in my mind? Was it that of my mother or my father? And what role was she envisioning for herself? What began as **** play morphed into abuse, punishment, and self-degradation. Why did she unwittingly continue to engage as **** play morphed into something more sinister ?
Possible trigger:
I had so many questions ! The 'fun' we enjoyed had a dark side that neither of us had considered. It felt like punishment, and I needed to be punished because I was 'bad,' a naughty little boy. Engaging in these activities reinforced the message that I wasn’t worth it, that I was a failure in life, and therefore needed to be treated accordingly—just a piece of meat to be punished or abused, all in the name of 'fun.' Frustration permeates my life, manifesting mostly at work. This frustration peaked in mid-2017, prompting me to see my GP, who then referred me to a psychologist for a psychological assessment after which I was offered a subsidized Mental Health Plan. The situation was confrontational, but I had to confront my demons because I was completely broken.
Possible trigger:
This activity occurred three or four times a day—when I returned home from work, before going to bed, when I woke up in the middle of the night, and even when I woke in the morning before going into work. For convenience, the bottle remained in the bathroom and I was abusing myself multiple times each day until I finally woke up and realized that (1) mentally, I was starting to break down again, (2) physically, I was potentially causing myself long-term injury, and (3) I didn't understand why I was even doing it. I just knew that this time I was going to pursue my demons to the end and get them off my back ! Sometimes I just wanted something 'in' me for comfort or fulfillment, but then the practice escalates. Engaging in this activity raised the question: Is it for 'sexual' gratification or is it for punishment? And further to that, if it’s for punishment, then why do I feel the need to punish myself? A revelation came to me one Monday evening: my dad had intimidated and bullied me into submission, intimidating me until I had no fight left. After that, I just became frustrated, bottling things up until I exploded—it's like I'm always on a 'slow simmer.' I’m sure that when Dad was no longer in a position of authority, he intimidated me out of his own frustration. Who really knows? But I was always afraid to step out of line, and in the end, I became so discouraged that I stopped trying to step out of the shadow cast by my parents. Dad and Mum were control freaks. Dad used intimidation, while Mum used emotion. I have never really felt free from their control. It’s as if I’m hardwired to feel intimidated and under threat, which causes me to be unbelievably defensive in my actions and reactions. I become instantly judgmental, overreact, get angry or frustrated, and withdraw—essentially just sulking. I never lashed out at my kids, but I definitely yelled at them when I got frustrated. They say I was tough, I must have been - but I didn’t know any another way. I felt so frustrated, unable to let my demons go or get my message out. The ongoing sense of failure, of not wanting them to be like I was, of wanting them to be all the things I wasn’t—it all overwhelmed me because I was never allowed to just be me. |
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#2
Yesterday, 11:04 PM
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This appears to be a compilation of notes recorded during a particularly difficult session and it was evident, reflecting on my self-harming behavior that peaked in mid/late 2017 and other related **** play/fisting, that I was determined to explore/resolve the depths of my behavior if I was ever going to regain any sense of 'normality'.
I was particularly focused on the duality of behaviors associated with both **** insertions and **** fisting and other practices - this analysis consolidates the themes of self-harm, emotional complexity, and the psychological ramifications of these behaviors. Duality of Behaviors: Self-Harm and Punishment: The act of **** insertion and fisting can be seen as a form of self-harm, where the physical pain experienced may serve as a manifestation of deeper emotional struggles. Engaging in these practices often correlates with feelings of inadequacy or failure, leading to a desire for punishment. This dynamic can create a cycle where the individual seeks out pain as a way to cope with internalized shame or guilt, reinforcing negative self-perceptions. Pleasure and Fulfillment:: Despite the potential for self-harm, many individuals report feelings of fulfillment and contentment during these acts. The physical sensations associated with **** fisting can lead to intense pleasure, creating a complex interplay between pain and pleasure. This duality can be confusing, as the individual may oscillate between feelings of being "naughty" or "dirty" and experiencing a sense of emotional release or satisfaction. Psychological Ramifications: Emotional Conflict: The emotional aftermath of these experiences often includes feelings of emptiness, embarrassment, and shame. After engaging in fisting, individuals may feel drained, caught in a conflict between the pleasure derived from the act and the punitive aspects that echo their past experiences. This emotional turmoil can lead to a cycle of seeking out similar experiences to reconcile these conflicting feelings, perpetuating a pattern of self-harm. Substituting Parental Figures: As you noted, there may be a psychological substitution of parental figures during these acts. The dynamics of dominance and submission can evoke memories of childhood experiences with authority figures, where feelings of intimidation and control were prevalent. This substitution can complicate the emotional landscape, as the individual navigates feelings of submission to a partner who embodies traits of a parent, leading to further confusion and emotional distress. The Role of Ritual: Ritualistic Preparation: The preparation for **** fisting, including gathering materials and engaging in specific routines, can create a ritualistic framework that enhances the psychological experience. This ritual may serve to heighten anticipation and reinforce the emotional stakes involved, blurring the lines between consensual play and self-punishment. Communication and Consent: The euphemistic language used to initiate these acts—such as asking if one "wants" or "needs" a fisting—highlights the underlying agreement between partners. However, it also raises questions about the nature of consent and the potential for harm, as the emotional and physical boundaries may become blurred in the heat of the moment. Conclusion: The behaviors associated with **** insertions and fisting reflect a complex interplay of self-harm, pleasure, and emotional conflict. Understanding the duality of these experiences is crucial for addressing the underlying psychological issues that may drive such behaviors. Engaging in open communication with partners and seeking therapeutic support can help individuals navigate these complexities, fostering healthier expressions of intimacy and self-acceptance. By exploring the emotional ramifications and the ritualistic aspects of these practices, individuals can work towards a more integrated understanding of their desires and behaviors, ultimately leading to healing and personal growth. |
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