17 and constantly being lied to

(will probably be very long)

Hello, I am kittenz and I am a 17 year old living with a Nigerian family with my 15 year old mentally disabled brother. As of typing this, a 2nd case worker has entered the house and discussed the contents of my report @(physical/emotional abuse, medical neglect); with my mother.
I heard them crying, panicking, and lying through their teeth from here out of sadness for me and my brother. I feel extremely bad, I know they love my brother so much and have done what they thought would help. But this is the only way we can get the correct help for the future because I can really only see us both going downhill from here. I probably would've been abandoned and homeless and my brother would go on to be 30 years old and barely functioning because my parents refused to get him psychiatric help. All I really want is a quiet home for me and my brother, and even if my parents love us I do not think they have the capacity to provide it for us.

I just don't know where to begin. Every time I tried my mind would go blank, as if I had already forced myself to forget just as my parents asked. Every time an authority figure would ask I would freeze up, like my tongue was tied. I constantly feel as though I am being persecuted and that I am tricking myself into thinking my home situation is worse than it really is. I never felt confident enough to tell anyone, not my closest friends, not my cousin, not teachers. The first time I had truly feared for my life, I had called the police to help me after my mother and screamed about how . The police laughed in my face, told me that my parents were allowed to give me a light beating (which I hadn't called about? surely threatening to is more concerning?), and made me hug my mother (who continued to beat me and me tell how much she hated me right after they left.) I couldn't even muster up the confidence to show the case worker a photo of the aftermath of the battering my mother had done to me last year, or the video of my parents slinging their usual insults towards me and proceeding to punch me in the face.

The worst part? My parents do not even remember it themselves. It's as if they somehow managed to trick themselves that they never did anything of the sort. The brutal beating I received from my mother last year that had: The beating that my father KNEW was awful, so bad that he had made me stay home from school for 2 days and told me to never tell anyone so that his and my mother's medical licenses wouldn't be revoked? They can't remember, while I'm stuck with the bump from in my nose. Why am I forced to wear every you've given me? Why am I forced to remember you calling me a idiot, which ironically hurt the most, as it's the one I mostly believe. I watch my little brother get beaten for things out of his control, called the same names I am, but he can't remember it either due to his disability.

He uses technology to forget just like I do. He just doesn't remember it as easily. I feel so much happier when I'm on my phone talking to online friends or playing my favorite games. I don't want to do anything else. I often leave my schoolwork or room a mess just to stay online, which leads to me being beaten more often. I want to get off my phone, talk to my friends in real life, hang outside, be able to clean my room, brush my teeth, shower, do my schoolwork, but it's just so hard. I only get to feel things when I'm online. When I'm in the house with my parents, it's always just
"Why are you happy?"
"Why are you angry?"
"Why are you sad?"
Whenever I feel anything but happiness, I am either questioned or beaten for it. Why is everyone else in the house allowed to feel anger?

Being beaten as a misbehaving child is very normal in our culture. 6 out of 10 children experience it. I feel so weak for not being able to handle it like the other children living in Nigeria. But at the same time, I'm jealous of the other children in our family. Their parents probably haven't told them how much they hate them, or how much they wish they were dead.

They expect me to forget after they do the bare minimum. They smile at me, say that I'm very smart, pray for me, but I can't believe anything they say. How could I when my own mother would easily flip on a dime for minor things such as tone of voice and start I feel so unsafe around her. I tense up, I jolt when she enters the room, my chest keeps getting this uncontrollable ache when I feel that she's near me. I'm so scared and my father won't do anything. He just watches when she snaps at me or beats me, I assume that he's silently agreeing with her. He's such a coward, he can't even intervene and just halfheartedly asks her to stop.

I feel like I deserve it, and at the same time I know it's abuse. But I can't even do my hygiene, pass my classes, or do my chores. I'm going to be a senior after this summer passes and I don't have good transcripts or scholarships. CPS is my only chance to save myself but I feel like everyone is already siding with my parents. They're much more charming and trustworthy than me anyways. I feel like everyone is just constantly lying to me and invalidating my feelings. Being abused like this has become so normal that it just becomes something blurred with every other event that happens in the day. There's probably much more that they've done to me that I've either blocked out or forgotten. But I have nothing going for me now anyways. My only plan was to do well in school and then run far away from my parents and family, but now I am just a failure. If CPS doesn't help, then I'll be kicked out of the house with no home, money, or even family to return to. I heard the CPS lady say that no one would want a 17 year old who doesn't work. They might already be siding with my parents, and if they do it'll be over for me. My parents just constantly lie to everyone about everything and I can't do anything about it.

When my parents aren't feeling moody, they occasionally ask me what's wrong or any concerns that I have. How could I even tell them anything when Or when I suspected I had mental health issues I was yelled at again and battered? I can't tell you anything. You either forget what you've done to me or deflect it completely.

I hate being expected to get over everything they did to me. I hate being expected to hold up our stupid traditions of ignoring everything. I hate being treated like I'm less than dirt on earth. I hate not being able to do anything about it.

I honestly just feel so numb when I'm not crying because of my parents or on my phone laughing. If I end up homeless I may just I just can't bring myself to care about anything anymore.

A pediatrician is coming to give me a check up. This may be the last chance I have to ever get to a safe house. I doubt there's a chance for me to do anything after I fumbled my first CPS interview by being to anxious to tell the casework anything. I couldn't say anything to her though, my dad was right there listening to the conversation and they would've left me at the house after telling him everything I said. Then what would've happened to me? My little brother would've been left there too. I don't know if I should just tell them that I have proof of battery. I can't even prove emotional abuse, that doesn't leave any see-able damage.

I kind of wish I had gotten Maybe then the caseworkers would actually believe me.