Very On Edge

The title really says it all. I had a rough day at work last night— the operating rooms were busy nonstop and therefore needed a lot of restocking. I finished twenty minutes late and that was even with help from other techs. I came home with my back, knees, and feet throbbing in pain; after two Aleves and a bath so hot it pretty much exhausted my water heater, I was still in pain. Got maybe four or five hours of sleep, and it was poor-quality sleep; I had nightmares about being called into my boss’s office and being chewed out by the other techs for doing such a bad job. I know I’m still learning. I know my boss says he’s gotten very good feedback about me. And I also know that the horrible experience I had with the job I absolutely loved traumatized me. It wasn’t my fault— I was brutally scapegoated and became the industry’s number one pariah. I tried to continue in the field for the next few years, but eventually I realized it was futile. Rationally, I realize that this happened sixteen years ago— different time, different place, and different field. I also realize that I’ve never been fired from a pharmacy tech job. I’ve quit jobs, but never been fired from one. Never been written up for poor performance. Even so, that horrendous experience still sticks with me— until recently, I wasn’t even able to talk about it. And in the back of my mind, I’m always scared that each day at a job will be my last. I hate feeling like this.